Is Food Your Substitute for Love?

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Is Food Your Substitute for Love?

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2008 | POSTED BY MICHELLE

“Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.” I saw that on a bumper sticker. Who wants to fall in love? Well, judging by the success of every online dating site despite the failing economy, I would say most people are looking for love or looking for ways to improve their relationship. Unfortunately, the sweetness of romance can be unkindly bitter and with that in mind, the sweetness of cakes and Halloween candy and ice cream can feel like a sure thing. It can seem like a rational conclusion to make…don’t fall in love…fall in chocolate…but there are probably some things that you might not have considered.

If You’re in a Relationship

There are many ways we abandon and betray our partners in relationships. The most obvious way is cheating with another person. But there are much more subtle ways we abandon and betray our partners for instance focusing all our energy on the pets or children, being obsessed with work, not listening, being easily distracted, being constantly busy (cleaning, cooking, doing, planning) and one you might not expect is emotional eating. When food becomes our obsession it’s not that different from taking a lover. It’s just that the lover we’ve taken doesn’t have a heartbeat. We obsess about food the way someone might obsess about a mistress, we think about the private time we’ll get with a particular food the way one might when they’re having an affair, we focus on food and shut the other person out. With all those thoughts of food, how can we consider our partners? They say that adultery is just a symptom that something else is wrong in the relationship. You might have taken food as your lover after many years of being disappointed in your partnership. Perhaps you’ve given up trying to make it work and figure I won’t get the love, affection, communication or acknowledgment from my partner that I need so I might as well give myself the pleasure of eating what I want. Only problem, is when food fills your mind you’ve left the relationship. You intercept your best thinking by feeding yourself instead of feeding your love. When you give up food as your lover you can see one of a few things clearly. 1. Food may have been helping you tolerate being in a relationship that just doesn’t work anymore and perhaps it's time to do something about that. 2. If you feed your relationship as much as you’ve been feeding yourself the passion in your relationship might just reignite. 3. Food may have been the third wheel in your relationship.

If You’re Single

Many people that I talk to say that they eat out of loneliness. A lot of binging and overeating happens at night and on the weekend. When I inquire more deeply into why that might be it’s often because one associates the night or the weekend with special time that they’d like to be spending with a partner. It’s normal to be lonely when you wish you were with someone. Only problem with taking food as a substitute lover is that each time you overeat or binge you feel less attractive and less confident. This has something to do with weight but not everything. There are plenty of overweight people that have partners that are attracted to them. However, when you use food for emotional reasons, as you gain weight you lose your sense of self. And as you lose your sense of self you feel less and less confident. Each time you use food as your lover, you delay learning the skills you need to meet a suitable partner and you chip away at your self-confidence. The reality is that food never gives you the love that you’re looking for. It doesn’t talk to you, it doesn’t hold you, it doesn’t keep you warm at night. We can’t always meet someone exactly when we want to but how do we want to spend our time until a special person comes a long. Do we want to spend our time nursing ourselves with food or do we want to spend our time discovering who we are and what is unique about us? On lonely nights and weekends, rent movies that make you laugh, go to museums, meet up with friends, take walks to look at autumn leaves.

You all deserve love, whether you're in a relationship, or not, but instead of food being your substitute for love, eating well can be an every day way that you care for and love yourself.

Use the comments below to talk about the ways that you use food as a substitute for love and what areas of your life might be suffering as a result of your emotional eating.

24 Comments In the order they were posted.

vermilion said...

sneaking...

Kosty said...

I total agree that food has been third wheel in my relationship due to that fact I wasn't getting what I wanted from my husband, like to listen to me, to make me feel appreciated, to just be there for me when I needed him.

Julia (from Germany) said...

Its a good point that using food to cope is a way to betray my husband.I never thought about that.Its true,for me,because I feel stuck in my unhappy marriage i eat to get through the day.And I still dont know how to get out of it.i simply feel often so much sadness lonelyness,self-hate,hopelessness...that I binge because I see no other way yet.Ive read the shrink yourself book and I found it very good but still I couldnt change my eating habits .Unfortunately I dont know where to go in Germany to find a therapist who works with the "shrink yourself"concept to help me with that.

Barb said...

I like how say using food for love is like cheating on my husband - I never looked at it like that. But now I can see that is what I do. My husband and my love life is strained because when I want to get romantic and passionate to have a great intimate time, he likes that, but his part ends way to soon, which frustrates both of us. We tried all different things to cope, but in the end, we end up avoiding those deep passionate times and settle for quick ones. That is hard on me so, then I avoid that by eatting and drinking to numb my feelings thinking that this is the way it is going to be and this is how I cope. But I hate that!!! Because I am putting weight on then I feel bad about myself that he doesn't want to be with me etc... and the cycle continues. I've read the shrink yourself book too and I too am having trouble changing.

Healthylu said...

Michelle and ladies.... I AM SO EXCITED that you wrote about this THIS week. After my therapist told me she was moving to another city and that our therapy would come to an end... she left me with a task. On Tuesday, she said "I challenege you to tell your husband about your food anxiety habits. You are ashamed of them -and you should not be. Everyone suffers with something. From what you've told me, your husband sounds like an understanding man. You will not completely heal until you LET GO go OF THE SHAME." This has been my secret for 5 years. I've been married for only three months. All day Tuesday, I ate and ate...and cried...nervous about dinner time when I would see my husband. 7:00pm that night we sat and ate as he talked about his day. I still can't remember what he said. He asked me if we could lay on the couch together before I had to go back to work. I hugged him tight and began to cry. I was so scared. He asked "what's wrong, baby? What is it?" I kept saying, "I'm so scared. I'm so scared. But my doctor told me I needed to tell you so you could help me...heal." I said, "everytime I've been "sick" during our marriage 3 months, it has been self-induced. I eat when you're not around and then eat again when you are...I then work out or vomit to feel better....I am so scared to tell you this he hugged me tighter and said "aww. I am so ashamed. But I really need you to know cause I don't want to keep locking you out of my life because of food...it's so painful." I cried and he smiled and held on tighter. I am NOT exxagerating, ladies. I am shocked by the reaction my husband had. "He said minutes later...there's nothing I will not help you with. Nothing we can not take on together. I'm sorry you didn't tell me sooner. " I agreed. But I also added that I thought he'd be angry that he married someone that he did not know completely. He said, "I know exactly who you are. You are still the same person. This is just a hardship we'll get through." Ladies, for the past three days, I have had more support then I have had in five years. I'm amazed how helpful it is to know that everytime I have a worry or a trigger...I call him...or remember that there is NO MORE SECRECY. This has been the most liberating experience. I know I am only three days into this stage of my recovery, but what a wonderful stage. I hope this log inspires you to challenge yourself to drop the shame! It's not about the food at all...and whatever it IS about - your husband, mother, sister may be able to help you better than doing it ALONE. I will soon start a new chapter in my therapy...and I will be able to walk in with a sense of progress that I didn't have before...and that feels better than any "false perfections." God bless you and good luck in your progress.

Michelle said...

HealthyLu, Your post really moved me. I often tell my 8-year-old son that the reason humans cry is that sometimes they can't get the words out and it's our way of letting people know we're in pain. I know not everyone has a husband as loving and supportive as yours but it's true that our shame can prevent us from getting the compassion we need from our loved ones. I was so happy to read what you wrote.

cee said...

This is a great article. Struck a chord, a hard one. I'm 25, about to turn 26 later this month. I'm a professor yes, young, I've been blessed with a lot of opportunities and I've taught at schools in Japan, Canada, and now I'm in China. I've been moving and shaking for a while and I really havent had the time for love. I'm definitely one of those binge weekend eaters, and I dunno, being a foreigner in a different country, finding for love is even more difficult. Hence, the eating gets worse. I'm way too young to be in such a lull. I just hope I can figure out what to do. I feel empty and lonely all the time, especially when everyone around me is already coupled up.

Beth said...

This was a very interesting way to look at my relationship with food. My husband is aware of my emotional eating although I don't think he really understands how strongly I feel compelled to binge eat. I do fell guilty and very ashamed when I binge and the more I eat the bigger I get and the more ashamed I feel with my physical appearance. The food is definitely the third wheel in our relationship. I use the food to help me cope with my anxiety and social phobia which my husband has been very supportive about, I hate to see the affects of my binge eating come between us.

Reacher said...

I had to return to this article three times before I could read the whole article. I would get as far as betraying my partner with EE and have to then quit reading. This morning I read the whole article and it is a very painful truth. I have cheated on my partner for years with food, but it is still about me, not about him. It is my life that I have wasted with EE. What I have discovered about myself takes my breath away. Amazingly enough, I am not rushing to the fridge or cupboard to calm myself. I am just trying to catch my breath when I think of it all. As you said, in the article "the sweetness of romance can be unkindly bitter". I was a person madly, happily in love and then I was betrayed and then I tried to get back who I had been, I loved who I was, when I was so happily in love and that was stolen from me, and I was left with a stranger who wanted to be who I had been, so I went back and back again and again in hopes that I would find the person I had been, but I was always betrayed again and again, finally not understanding that this stranger I was left with me had to move on to become who I was to become, I settled, gave up, and ate and ate and ate to drown my disappointment that I could not get back to who I had been when I was so carefree and happy. With children to raise, business to run and financial considerations, I just stayed put and ate to numb myself. I am crushed this morning to discover that it was me that I betrayed the most, and that I am still left with being a stranger to myself because I never solved anything, I just ate to stuff it all down so I could go on.

Michelle said...

Reacher, your post is very brave. You're right it is ourselves that we betray the most when we choose to eat instead of finding solutions. I hope you find your way back to yourself. It can be upsetting to realize the time we've lost but there is hope in knowing you can make a different choice now.

Inga said...

This article is right on point. I have found over the years that whether I was in a relationship or not I have made food a friend. Later I realized that this particular relationship was completely unhealthy. I have made some adjustments, but not totally. This was just what I needed to help me focus my energy on the positive, fire food as my friend and nurture the relationships that I have.

MYPUPPY said...

One night I sat there trying to talk to my husband, get some response or maybe just get him to look at me. He didn't say a word. Even when I asked him a question, he didn't answer or look. Once he shrugged, that was it. He didn't even notice when I left the room and didn't come back. I can't make him change and it's too late for me to start a new life. I'm tired.

thea said...

wow, a very insightful topic. It's been years, since I was a child, I've used food for all sorts of reasons, one being to avoid being lonely and dealing with the anxiaty about it. As the years have gone by "chocolate and other stuff", has become my enemy, re: diabetes, Now I am forced to face my issues, most days I don't do that well because of long life time patterns, but this topic has brought up the idea of who am I cheating on?since I never married nor had kids , I realize I am cheating on myself, I'm not giving myself the benifit of the doubt that I am lovable and when life strikes I turn and hide with all my fears instead of facing the oncoming adventure. Life is an adventure, we I should be passionate about. No one is attracted to passionless people, and thats why as timeyears has gone on I have found that diabetes has made me become passionate about me and life in general. I'm not always turning to chocolate or food as much, it just doen't seem to do the job anymore, but it is an old habit that is hard to give up. I have my good days and my bad. What I have found most difficult wasis finding alternatives to how to deal with my emotions. too much time on my hands now. smiles

Hannah said...

This is just my 2 cents...I have been struggling with these issues for years. Even if you have the best relationship in the world, it's not enough. People are human. They will always let us down. God is the answer. When I feel sad or down, it helps to go get my Bible and read it and learn about God's love for me. That fills me up, and I can go on without a binge. I have realized lately that missing out on my Dad's emotional presence has contributed to this. He was always out drinking in the afternoon and evenings when I was growing up. Then, late at night, after he was all loosened up, he would go into the kitchen and fry up a hamburger, or make a sandwich. I would then sit at the table with him while he or we ate, and have a great conversation. That was pretty much the extent of our relationship. The best conversations I had with my Dad was centered around food. I wondered why it was afternoons and evenings that I feel so empty and lonely and begin bingeing till I'm sick. I am searching for that emotional "feeding" that I got with face to face conversation with my Dad. My husband is always at work during those times, so he can't help, and even if he could, it would be short-lived. We can't expect more out of a husband than they are able to give, and vice/versa. That is normal. That doesn't make the relationship bad. It just means our expectations are in the wrong place. God is the only One who can fill every single need, whether emotional, spiritual or physical. So, I have learned that at these times, it is the time to go get my Bible, sit in the quiet, and have a "conversation" with the One who knows me best...He is a Father AND a Husband. After I have had a meal like that, I feel content and don't have to binge. And it helps me to grow as a person and figure out what's really bothering me, and I can give it to the only One who can fix it. There is only one thing required for this kind of "counseling"...faith.

Cath said...

What Healthyyu told about her husband accepting her as she became vulnerable and honest gives me hope in so many areas. Also, thank you fro this website-it encourages me in its reality and wisdom. I am slowly getting freedom ,Thank God.

Jaclyn said...

I see this completley. I was in a relationship for about 3 years and have now been single for a little over a year. Ever since then it has been hard for me to get back to the weight I used to be because I have so much time to myself and no one to keep me accountable. When I started dating a guy again I found myself eating when I wasn't around him and I think it is because he didn't really make me happy or fit what I was looking for. Now when I try losing weight and I start to get down to a good size, I end up eating bad during the weekend and gaining it back again. It's like a cycle..eat great during the week and horrible during the weekend. However with the weather getting colder I have been eating horrible during the week as well and felt to embarressed to go to the gym.

Karan said...

MYPUPPY - I've been married for over 25 years now. The first 20 were MISERABLE for both of us. The things you said remind me of how my own marriage used to be. I can relate to how you feel. My husband hated to be at home with me our daughter for years years. It broke my heart...and when he did come home - he was tuned out. I finally had enough - it was like this one particular day we were fighting about how he treated me our daughter and this *switch* went off within me. I'd had enough of it. I didn't leave him or anything - I just sort of detached from him within or something - it's hard to explain. But shortly thereafter, I got into therapy. It didn't matter to me that at the time that he wasn't going to therapy with me - it was about me, not him. Then my daughter began going, which was great. Of course, this had had a huge affect on her too. Finally, my therapist told my daughter oddly enough not me, that I had emotionally divorced my husband. He was right - it was strange hearing that from her. At the time, my husband I had very little hope for actually making it, but he also began therapy. It was like, when he realized that he was actually about to lose me, he began to make an effort. He stayed in therapy, and a couple of years later kicked a 25 year drinking habit. Our relationship is FAR from perfect, but tolerable now - we are both basically happy...we still have our problems but it's NOTHING like it used to be. Like Hanna, I also believe that God has everything to do with it and that it wouldn't have been possible without His help. No matter how your husband is treating you as long as it isn't physically violent just focus on fixing YOU. it's actually all you can do at this point - because you can't control another person - you can't make him change. The main thing you can do for him is pray for him and just do your part in the marriage not that you aren't already - you're probably already doing MORE than your part is you're anything like I was. Just work on YOU! I'll be praying for you both!

audrey said...

This was right on! seeing the problem is the first step in soving it! I have lost 135 lbs! I will learn to deal with emotional eating and keep it off! Love this program! very eye opening!

Cella Euell said...

audrey, how did you loose 135 lbs? I recently discovered I am an emotional eater. I think about what I am going to eat all the time. I am so afraid of another failed relationship after feeling trapped in a marriage with an addicted spouse. Also, I still suffer from feelings of abandonment after being away from my family while I was in a hospital for a year at 11 yrs old.. that was 49 yrs ago..I get very emotional talking about it now. I am nearly 300lbs with Diabetes so I am searching for help What medications are used to treat this condition?

antlantaziz said...

food is the reason I've never had a relationship. I always say I will when I can feel confident in my body, when I lose 20-30 lbs... But it's not happening. And I'm too ashamed of my physicality to pursue an intimate relationship.

Jinan said...

I may be the first OCD case to be reported when it comes to food.It is part of my relationship a significant part when I have trouble in my relationship it provides me with great comfort to know that I can fall in a fountain of chocolate.The awkward thing is,since I started my relationship I have gained 60 lbs in 20months!So how should I interpret that???

prayer answered said...

I am very touched by what I've read in all the entries above. I decided when I was very young - my early twenties- that I was too ugly to be loved. Primarily because I was overweight but I also have a very ordinary, unmemorable face. Food is my best buddy and chief comfort. But unfortunately, food brings along a devasting partner - guilt. As a result I'm more self-deprecating, heavier, guiltier and more disappointment in myself than ever before. I took comfort from your entries. I do pray there is a way out of this painful, sad way of living.

deafmama said...

oh it would get me banned from this site if I went on with all my life story of being overweight - sexual abuses as a kid, marriage to a hearing husband who was addicted to porno and thus couldn't love me for what and who i am/was then, divorce, dating another hearing man who really was my soul mate but then having his meddlesome mom and now we're married almost 14 years - his mom's still kind of in the middle of our marriage, and so the food is my constant friend... and our son is now 10 and I'm so ashamed he's doing the same things I do and is heavy for his age. So I'm in a deep hole, not sure where to dig out.

kat said...

wow, i feel like my life just flashed before my eyes. this article has really got me thinking. all of the comments were so close to home. it is actually good to know i haven't been alone all these years. i have used food as a lover for 15 years. prior to that i think i had a similar behavior with casual sex. at the time, i didn't realize what i was doing. i knew it was wrong, but i thought i was just a bad person. i wish i could speak up in my relationship and ask for what i want, knowing i would get it. unfortunately, i was ignored enough by my mate that i just gave up and began looking for what i needed elsewhere. it has been a long lonely road, but today i don't feel so alone. now i just need to find a way to change myself. but how?