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Sex and the City

MONDAY, JUNE 16, 2008 | POSTED BY MICHELLE

Recently, I saw the Sex and the City movie. Samantha Jones is tempted by her hot new male neighbor but for the first time in her life she's in a committed relationship. Suddenly she gains fifteen pounds and when her concerned friends inquire about her weight gain she says, "I eat so I won't cheat."

Many people don't realize that this is a very common type of emotional eating. We eat to stay faithful. When we're overweight less people are attracted to us and there is less temptation to cheat. Staying overweight also has us avoid the work of having to set boundaries with people--something that many of us don't know how to do (or are afraid to do).

The thing is Samantha had to learn eating isn't the solution. She had to accept that she wanted to cheat because she was in a relationship that wasn't fulfilling to her and she was unwilling to put the work in to make it fulfilling.

Is there a way that you're using your weight to be less attractive to others?
Does staying overweight keep you from having to do the work of learning how to set boundaries with people?
Are you stuffing in your dissatisfaction with a relationship with food?

It wasn't until Samantha admitted to her boyfriend that she wasn't committed to the relationship and made the steps to leave that she stopped stuffing herself.

19 Comments In the order they were posted.

Jonathan said...

Wow, thanks for spoiling the movie! Just kidding...yes, it's fascinating to consider the sneaky factors that cause us to overeat. It's to Samantha's credit that she actually recognized how she was using eating. I imagine people with that particular motivation are often unaware of it altogether. I wonder which sneaky factors are operating below my own radar right now??

Jonathan said...

Dolphin said...

This "I spy" EE in movies Michelle's last two posts is quite fun so long as we don't get too obsessive about it and miss the whole picture and I could even well, perhaps! that it helps us with the observing EE skill. A forum thread of good EE quotes from movies to cheer us up when the going gets tough..?

Michelle said...

It's my job to spot Emotional Eating when I see it. My point in putting it in these blog posts is to let people know how common and normal what they're experiencing are. Many people feel a lot of shame about Emotional Eating which stops them from getting the help they need. A thread about Emotional Eating in movies is a great idea.

Sandy said...

It's sad, but some of us meaning me just eat because it feels good and there is little else in our lives that" feel that good."

Bella said...

I have been doing this and made a concious to do it when I said yes, I will marry you. I have shared this with friends and about was not able to recover emotionally after watching Samantha discover this for herself... I can't tell you how right on the nose the scenario played me in living color... Every time I attempt to get healthy this beast rears it's evil head... However this time, I addressed it right away and I am going to press thru, I have a plan. There are kids involved and that's why I got married to the dad and he's great just not for me- I never wanted marriage and I carry such guilt about it... I put on 100 lbs in the 1st year, it's going on year 6 or 7 and I am even more miserable cuz of the self sabotage but I will overcome and deal... I 've been trying to find info on this topic becuz it is relevent, I will write the book...

Prudence said...

yeah I noticed immediatly what Sam was doing and how the other chters put her down for this while stuffing themselves constantly - lot of the action around food. Food always linked to emotion or sex in media. Message is everywhere - if you can't get what we say you should have eat it people, eat it.

Elly said...

yeah thanks for this post. Samanthas plight affected me too. Im in a relatively happy relationship- but it doesnt forfill the myriad parts to my often needy personality of which i carefully dont show-have to keep myu insanity to myself-lol. My man is genrally very sane level headed lol. Which I need n want 90 I guess. Unfortunately the rest of me wanders, imagines, dreams of different scenarios- flight of fanstasy is an understatement! Anything passionate. Food is a passion- I enjoy the taste n texture of food in my mouth- it is a quick fix a beautiful avoidance to facing my feelings. I so hope this site can teach me how to practice new thoughts- as the old ones have mega power over me!!!

Karen said...

This issue alone has kept close to 100 extra lbs on me for most of my married life -- in TWO marriages. I pick the wrong ones -- or rather I settle for the first ones who pick me -- then when I am attracted to someone and am tempted by that, rather than deal with the bad marriage I do one of 2 things -- overeat or overspend. I need help. I'm not even sure how I got signed up on this blog, but it sure was on the mark today!! Thanks for showing me I am not alone in this.

healthy48 said...

I too feel that the effects of being in an unsatisfying marriage has made me compliant and unable to look after myself as I should. I am glad I am going to search the hidden meanings of being a yo yo dieter!

jujubee said...

Me too. I am in a happy marriage, for the most part. But, Have always had a wandering eye. About 3 years ago, I had lost all the weight and was at goal. I made a pass at someone and was rejected. I immediately gained 100 lb. I just don't trust myself to say "no" I feel like I'm really suffering from arrested development. Help, I don't want that to happen again.

Col said...

This has really hit the nail on the head for me. I am now heavier than when i was pregnant with my daughter who is almost a teenager! I am unhappy in my marriage butthere is nothing wrong with my husband really - he's not the one for me and cannot give me the emotional support I need. I am tempted by others but scared of getting hurt or of hurting my husband, children or other people so I eat and eat and eat. I do exercise and enjoy is but cannot button up my mouth, even when I realise I am comfort eating or eating because I am lonely. What is the next step on from recognising this? Col x

Hopeful said...

I hope you all who are complaining about being with the wrong person in marriage will not do anything hasty. I too am married and wasted the first few years of my marriage trying to change my husband to be the person that would fulfill my every need and thought at times maybe I married the wrong person. First there is an attraction, excitement, wonder challenge, but after you tie the knot all of that begins to fade. You could go and try to find someone else, but the same thing occurs. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice and committment to stick it out and keep your vows you recited at your wedding. God designed marriage to refine both partners and help them step up to the next level. What are each of you doing to help your partner? I had to do a lot of soul searching and deal with things in my own thought life from past wounds and let God fill the areas that needed filling. I still have problems with emotional eating, but it is getting better. Please ask God to heal you and protect your marriage.

Michelle said...

Change starts with an awareness of all parts of a problem. It doesn't mean you need to act hastily. Hopeful, you make a good point. There is a quote I really like by Anais Nin that says, "Love never dies of natural causes, it dies because people don't know how to replenish its source."

Graceful Grace said...

Hopeful has it exactly right. I'm right there until I try to understand what is missing and asking God to fill the areas that need filling. I don't know what that need is. I thought it was my childhood and worked through that with my mother. Just when I felt that was lifted, she passed away. 3 weeks ago today. I gained 50 pounds when her mother passed away. I can't gain any more now. I had a friend have gastric and she said that food used to be her friend. Now she doesn't need food as her friend. She can't explain how it just changed when she had the surgery.

Kathy said...

OMG - this is exactly what I've been doing since I said "I Do" a few years ago. I knew he wasn't exactly the one for me, but never been married in my late 40's and he asked, I said yes, he'll do. Reeling now and 20 pounds on so far. I grieve the athletic, busy every night outside on a hike or on my bike. I've traded that in for the sofa, watching endless sports events and cooking food I don't even like. Even when he says "You look hot" I know it's a lie - at least a stretch. I am overweight and out of shape and definately not hot, unless it's a hot flash. Thank you so much for this post. I will deal with my emotional baggage and marriage with all of your advice and words of wisdom from all of you.

CHP said...

ן ALSO HAVE AN EMOTIONAL EATING PROBLEM, THAT I NEED TO DEAL WITH, I[M RESPONSALBLE OF MY OWN HAPINESS...

tanya said...

wow, I hadn't thought of it at all, and If only I was that kind of emotional eater !! i WOULDN'T HAVE STOPPED THERE, IN FACT i HAVE AVOIDED RELATIONSHIPS FOR OVER 10 YEARS AND CAN'T SEEM TO GET OUT OF THE BINGE EATING CYCLE!! i'VE BEEN IN 12 STEP FELLOWSHIPS FOR YEARS FOR COMPULSIVE/ADDICTIVE EATING AND i'M STILL USING AND GETTING HIGH ON FOOD. HELP!

vida said...

I realise that i have had this problem for quite a while. I always put on weight when i am in a secure relationship - out of boredom and not being fulfilled. Or so i tell myself. Though when i loose weight i have a tendency to end my secure relatiosnship which usually causes me more upset and heartache!! Now i am single and overweight. I realise i don't trust myself slim - i get myself into scrapes with men.. i have one night stands or inappropriate affairs - so being fatter equals being less attractive, equals protecting myself. I actually do not trust myself slim - and think i will end up hurting myself even more as i don't enjoy sex out of a committed relationship.. perhaps its time to take responsibility and beleive that i am in control of myself and my choices.