Don't Speak - Don't Eat | Shrink Yourself

Online Program to end Emotional Eating & Bingeing

>>member login

Home >>Community >>Blog >>Don't Speak - Don't Eat

Don't Speak - Don't Eat

MONDAY, JULY 07, 2008 | POSTED BY MICHELLE

People often turn to food when they're unsatisfied or frustrated. Therefore, learning to get your real needs met is a huge part of leaving overeating behind.

A member asked me a while back what to do when you've asked to get a need met from someone and they still don't meet it. There are many options which include determining if it's a need you can get met somewhere else or a need you can let go of. However, the option I'm going to focus on today is one that I call, in the words of Gwen Stefani, "Don't speak."

I read an excellent book recently called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny. I highly recommend it. Here's a bit from the back cover that explains a lot: "Simply put, talking makes women move closer, but makes men move away. Even with the best of intentions talking about your relationship doesn't bring you close, and it will eventually drive you apart." This type of retreat/approach dynamic can be seen in many relationships, not just heterosexual marriages but between any kind of couple, co-workers, mothers and sons, etc. So, if talking doesn't make you closer you might be wondering what does?

According to the book, to connect with men, they need touch, activity (as in go on a hike, rake leaves together, sit in the same room when they do their bills), sex and routine (respecting their routine and the fact that it makes them feel safe).

The benefit is that when men feel connected they want to talk more. Talking doesn't make them feel connected. So, if you want to talk, you'll need to connect first.

It's normal to need things from others and to want to connect but perhaps it's the way we go about trying to get our needs met that leaves us hungry more than the needs themselves. We often try the same method repeatedly even though it doesn't work and then get increasingly frustrated and resentful. If we look, there is always a creative solution.

One of our members said that she and her husband used to sit beside each other on the couch at night eating and watching TV. Now, they came up with a new plan. She massages his feet while they watch. He feels connected (remember men feel connected through touch). Her hands are busy so she doesn't reach for the remote. And the feet are a natural appetite suppressant. Their relationship is getting better AND they are losing weight.

When you're frustrated or needy is there an action you can take instead of eating?
What are some non-verbal ways you can connect with your partner or people in general?

If you're still tempted to talk things out with your partner go and see Wall-E. It is a robot meets robot love story about Eve and Wall-E. Each character only says two words to the other. Their own name and the other's name. Despite their lack of words it is 100% clear through their actions that they are committed and connected. In this case, the old cliche stands true, actions speak louder than words. And while you can't control another's actions, you have power over your own.

22 Comments In the order they were posted.

Cody said...

Wow! Great post, Michelle! I love the point about Wall-E and Eve. I wish that you could send this post to every person in the world. Men are really simple, when it comes right down to it. As a man, I agree wholeheartedly with everything you've said.

Michelle said...

Thanks! It's great to have a man's opinion. I wish I had some of this information sooner. It would have helped my past relationships so much.

beja said...

Wow! Thanks for that Michelle. That little bit of info could have saved us years of heartache and stress! Ironically I didn't want to go hiking with my husband last weekend because I was mad he wouldn't communicate more!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to order the book today!

Peggy said...

"And while you can't control another's actions, you have power over your own. " This is the most important sentence in the entire piece and something that I am always trying to work on. It's amazing the changes that you can bring about in your life and your relationships with other people when you really understand this important thing.

Megan said...

I agree with the above posters. Great points made here. Again and again I have to remind myself that I can't control other's actions, only my own. I need this tattooed on my forehead! This week I am going to try to talk less, do more and listen more. Thanks for sharing.

Rosie said...

Great- it's genuinely good to hear back on what works for men! I just hope male-interest websites are posting that men should "talk more, do less" equally - or are we actually back in Stepford, where only what men wants counts?

Gail said...

Wow! Wish I had known this when my husband was alive. I am a talker and he was the ultimate doer and for me his energy levels were just too much in the bedroom which led to a vicious cycle as when I wanted intimacy but not necessarily sex he was busy with his hobby so I decided not to be available for intimacy when it suited his need for sex unless I felt like it myself. This led to him spending more time with his hobby and me feeling the need for his company even more so I started to eat and put on weight. he was a fitness freak and I didn't want to be fat but his nagging me about weight and health just came across as dominance and criticism and so I ate secretly. His mother was obsessed about weight issues and I saw this as a familial trait to which I was not going to subscribe or give in and be dominated by. I hated myself for doing this which led to depression and over gratification of his other needs which he should have tackled himself. Oy what a tangled web we weave for ourselves and destroy our relationships in the process. I wonder if our marriage would still be in existence had he not died in a car crash at the age of 52. I think the last 8 years of our marriage we both acted our hearts out at being happy but maybe we weren't meant to be together and were going to destroy each other somehow. Addiction is hard to overcome. For a time he was my addiction and then food replaced it as did medication for depression and stress of living a lie. Oh well he is at peace now and so am I.

Pat said...

Gail, I am so impressed that you were able to think your way through all this, you are a real inspiration! Rosie, I agree, it does remind one of Stepford, I hope there's some awareness on the other side too! Sometimes it sounds like living with a pet: they can be a companion, a comfort, but don't expect thinking feedback. It just doesn't seem necessary! There must be some way to activate that other brain.

Jackie said...

I found this article very interesting! Lack of communication in a relationship seems to be such a universal issue for so many women, and when not met, often triggers the soothing, distracting, sometimes short term pleasurable response of eating. While I understand that the solution you propose may very well have the desired result, there’s something inside of me that resents having to alter my preferred way of enjoying connecting with another person – conversation. It ignores the FUN part of talking the tears of laughter you share with friends when you share freely. And it’s cathartic and intimate to laugh and cry about the “stuff” in our lives. Conversely, it’s frustrating to have to adapt one's own style of connecting to a husband / loved one as the only way to be able to be close to them. For me it feels like one more thing I have to change if I want intimacy with him one more concession I have to make to satisfy my needs. Why isn’t he reading about things he can do to promote intimacy in our relationship! Why should I make an effort for someone who doesn’t reciprocate to bring enjoyment to my life? It spotlights one more thing he doesn’t do for me! I totally "get it" that I cannot control anyone but me - and I choose how to react. I know I can’t make him or anyone else behave as I’d prefer them too. I just hate to always have to be the one to ultimately give in and do things "his way". maybe the bigger issue is these uncommunicative people are just so self centered and unwilling to reach out to us and I’m wasting my energy jumping through hoops in the hope this will make things better, encourage intimacy – instead of just accepting that it ain’t going to happen with him! Then going about MY life, with people who DO enjoy speech and interaction as I do! He can wallow in his silent comma in front of the TV and I can sit around with a bunch of ladies and laugh my ass off! Who says intimacy has to come from your mate anyway?

Michelle said...

If it's any consolation this particular book that I reference does tell men how they can be more sensitive to the needs of women, too. It explains how when men withdraw and get silent it makes women feel abandoned, anxious and afraid.

Angela said...

I often wonder how men and women wind up together. It seems like women do all the work and men get catered to like children. Why do women even bother? Sounds like men just hold us back.

A Man said...

The generalizations of the writer and all of the posters crack me up. Macro views are ALWAYS wrong, because individuals are different. I eat because I love food. I talk when I want to, and I keep quiet when it suits me.

Michelle said...

This is just one way of looking at things but certainly it's not the only way. I offered it because some people have expressed that talking hasn't gotten them what they need. It's often good to approach things from many different angles. This is just one angle.

Mary said...

I enjoyed this article and comments very much. The article and comments seemed to deal with relations between men and women.What about women on their own who possbly eat for comfort

pat said...

I grew up with women and we talked all the time. Now I live with three males my husband and two sons. They are so fundamentally different this has been so helpful for me to learn. I will have to talk with my girlfriends I guess.

Sharron said...

I appreciated the article very much. My parents divorced when I was eleven and I grew up with all females in the house. When I married I could not understand why my husband would not talk out all of our disagreements. For thirty-three years I've begged him to talk more. I even say, "I penny for your thoughts". He would response, "I'm not thinking anything". I thought you can't be not thinking, you just don't want to tell me. But he was really just not thinking about anything. Our son is even more quite than his father. After reading the article I thought back in my mind and many times when our son has opened up and talked with me has been after I have spent an extended period of time with him. Thanks so much for the information. I'm changing the way I think and interact with all the men in my life. They mean so much to me that I'm willing to change a little to improve our relationship. Thank you so much for the insiteful thoughts.

sherry said...

I received this just this morning- wow how did you know.. This weekend I ended up having a pity party with my boyfriend, late night talking- and he felt helpless about how I feel- stressful for us both... When I am feeling overwhelmed- overstressed- tired and burnt out due to family obligation and others needs before my own- I cannot deal with life. I have gained 30 lbs in 6 months because of taking on extra responsibilities at our home with family members. Ihave resentments which have lead me to eating and late night talking and feeling just empty. The more I eat the more unhappy i have become. Thank You for your article.. I am sure to benifit from it.

Reacher said...

Actions do speak louder than words. I finally learned that paying attention to my DH actions I can see how much he cares about me. But mostly he is not a "feelings" talker. But I have learned to do more and speak less and we are much closer than before and there are times he does talk about how he feels, and I have learned to be quiet and let him talk when he chooses to.

rlb02Vsvx02402W02c01 said...

Great advice! When we are at home and I ask my husband what he is thinking about he says "I don't know" . I had noticed that he talked more when we go for a walk or do some activity together, but I hadn't made the connection.

DrDave said...

"And the feet are a natural appetite suppressant." ,,, wow! I cant wait to try the new feet-phen diet.

Michelle said...

Dr. Dave Your comment made me laugh out loud. You should Trademark that.

Spondee said...

Feet are a natural appetitie suppressant?