The Darker Side of Emotional Eating: Overcoming Bulimia & Other Eating Disorders

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The Darker Side of Emotional Eating: Overcoming Bulimia & Other Eating Disorders

TUESDAY, JUNE 09, 2009 | POSTED BY MICHELLE

Our site was created to help people overcome Emotional Eating. We wanted people to have all the information and tools they need to lose weight and master their relationship with food. Emotional eating affects so many of us but what you need to know is that there are darker sides of emotional eating and bulimia is one of them.

Bulimia is an eating disorder where a person consumes a huge amount of food and then attempts to purge it from their system by vomiting, taking laxatives or exercising excessively. The pattern itself can become addictive and despite promises made to oneself that each time will be the last time, the behavior continues. Bingeing and purging often leads to feelings of shame, guilt and self-hatred, not mention what it can do to your body and teeth.

I often tell the people that we work with here at Shrink Yourself that using food may provide a few moments of relief or comfort but it can never get you what you really need. And in the same way, purging might give you a symbolic feeling that you are wiping the slate clean or getting rid of something you don’t want. But it can never take away the things that you are really trying to get rid of for example, anxiety, fear, regret, sadness, abuse, etc.

This week I interviewed a woman who struggled with bulimia for many years. I thought it would be good for you to hear, in her words, what her experiences were so that you might find some strength and hope on your own journey.

To read the interview click here:

Q: How old were you when it started?
A: I started experimenting when I was about 15 and then really began when I was 17.

Q: How long did it go on for?
A: The worst of it was for about 6 years. After that it took years to stop all together. I probably didn’t stop completely until my early thirties. I am now forty. As recent as two years ago I had a one time slip.

Q: How often did you binge and purge?
A: At first it was a few times a week and then every day. Then for a period of time it progressed to 3 times a day.

Q: Why did you binge and purge?
A: To escape my life. To not feel my feelings. To avoid conflicts. To express my anger (the only problem with that is that I took it out on myself because I was unable to express my anger to the appropriate people in my life). To hurt myself because I was used to being hurt and neglected. To repeat on some level the abuse I experienced as a kid. To numb myself. To think of nothing but food so that I would have some relief from emotional pain (I didn't realize though that it was causing another kind of pain). To attain perfection because I felt interminably not good enough. To control my environment. To attempt order because I grew up in an atmosphere of tremendous chaos. It gave me an illusion of control. To feel "clean.” I felt dirty and bad. I was symbolically trying to rid my self of all the "bad" in me. To stay connected to my mother (She had an eating problem. She was very overweight) I didn't want to be fat like her. I was disgusted by her weight but I felt tied to her and scared to separate and our common obsession and fixation on food was something we could share. To feel masterful and good at SOMETHING. Because of very low self-esteem I was going to have a good body and be faultless in my eating. I could be perfect and not let one "bad" thing go in my body. If I ate something bad I’d get rid of it. To avoid my life and my career. A place to put all my time and energy. Feeling afraid and unable to pursue my dreams I needed something to absorb me.

Without emotional support in my life and with too much shame to share myself with others food was used for nurturance and self-soothing. It was something reliable that would always be there for me. It was a safe place to express want and need, I could take my fill of food. I could take all I wanted and not risk rejection. With people I felt like I wanted and needed too much. But with food I could take as much as I wanted or needed.

Q: Did you promise yourself each time that it would be the last?
A: Yes. Every time I swore to myself that I’d never do it again.

Q: How did you try to stop?
A: By avoiding "bad foods.” By exercising thinking that if I felt fit and trim I wouldn't try to manage my weight with bingeing and purging (but it wasn't about weight. On the surface yes, but the truth is I wasn’t even trying to lose weight). Also with psychotherapy and Overeaters Anonymous.

Q: What things were most effective in helping you stop?
A: Psychotherapy, more specifically a very loving therapist, body work, and yoga.

Q: What were some signs that you were getting better?
A: Curiosity and desire for things in the world. Less attention and focus on food and what and where and when I would eat. Eating too much and feeling a sense of acceptance instead of panic. Flexibility around food and being less rigid. Being open to more social situations where I wouldn’t be able to control my food.

Q: What would you tell other people that are binging and purging?
A: Please don't do it (easier said than done I know). Please stop hurting yourself. I know personally how hard it is not to (even if consciously you don't want to) and I have absolutely no judgment of anyone who engages in the behavior but I learned the hard way how much damage you can do to yourself. I destroyed my teeth and had to have a complete reconstruction. It was painful and costly and took several years to complete. I felt like my bulimia took years from my life and ten years to heal from. It is something I have had to take responsibility for but I have often felt robbed and cheated of a lot of time. I don't think most people who binge and purge realize the possible consequences.
I guess I would just say that if you are bingeing and purging please get help. Please find someone to talk to. It’s too hard to do alone.

If you struggle with bulimia, I hope that something here sheds some light for you on your life. Beware of a voice in your head that says anything like “I might throw up once in awhile but I’m not as bad as her” or “I have it under control.” That’s a sign that you’re trying to justify your behavior and trick yourself into believing it’s okay to continue bingeing and purging. Emotional eaters find themselves turning to food more and more once it has been installed as a coping mechanism, and bulimics find themselves purging more and more as life becomes stressful. Getting help works. You are not alone and you don’t have to face this by yourself.

13 Comments In the order they were posted.

tinkerbell said...

Thank you, I have also been dealing with some of this and yes the feelings are the same as yours. I am learning not to be self destructive. Thanks for sharing.

Cath said...

Thank you - when our pain has a voice it is then healing begins. I grew up in an abusive home and married an abuser I left him 4 yrs ago . The pattern of what you spoke about,reared its monstrous head various times in my life. For me- thanks be to GOD- through His spiritual power I am able to practice and live free from emotional eating. It is through voices like yours- and all the posts- that I was and am able to get to the root of the pain. Then- I might at times fell like abusing my body trough food- BUT GOD! It's like can't. I turn on music, get a phone call which distracts me- I also speak aloud to pain and say I am not defined by it i. e. my emotional eating. Thank you and keep on keeping on getting healthy-physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally- all of you and me.

D said...

I have battled this for many years.....I NEVER lose weight when I am binging and purging.....I can stop for a while and do great with food but then abuse exercise...it's like there can NEVER be moderation in my life...I have the same story as the rest but it all pretty much comes down to self-esteem and basic self-respect...we hurt ourselves because we see others let us down....when I try to stop I get really irritable and even though I have far better things to do I feel that false sense of safety and comfort that soon goes away each time my "episode" is over...it's an addiction now, like any addiction and even though we all see "IT".....IT is always there and is an everyday battle...I almost feel like I am in a trance and just end up at a drive thru...it's scary....thanks for all who shared and read....we all have so much in common.....

Jean said...

Wow. Thanks so much for your thoughtful answers. You've given me many things to think about. It all sounds so familiar -- escape, avoidance, numbing. I eat volumes of food and watch a lot of television. A few weeks ago, considering my self-destructive behavior, I thought maybe I was trying to make connection with my mother who died in 1992. She'd drink through the day in front of the tv. That was her only activity. She'd go on 3 day binges that would keep us up at night with the screaming, punching, name-calling -- verbal, emotional, physical, sexual abuse. Anger surfaces after all these years. Still looking for Mama. I think I'm going to go punch something like my bed and have a good cry, maybe a good scream once my husband leaves the house. You've opened up something for me. Blessings. Thanks for sharing your healing.

Cath said...

You and me are not your addiction. You are a beautiful women- see it deep inside. Let's help each other see- we are not defined by abuse.

Claire said...

excellent...thank you for writing. After years of therapy i still can't get to the bottom of why I can't lose weight and keep it off. I have a very stressful job in nursing management, and often have to work all three shifts in a week, making normal sleep and schedule challenging. My husband is a skinny guy who eats everything and anything, and can't, after 34 years of marriage, understand that having all that tempting food in the house doesn't make it easy. I have had fibromyalgia and arthritis for years, which does limit my ability to exercise---plus it just feels like one more thing to accomplish in a day that is already so packed. Elderly parents, children, housekeeping, cooking, a demanding job====I know this is life for many women, but I have yet to figure out how to lose weight in the midst of it esp. now post menopause. thanks for letting me vent

Maria said...

I can totally relate to it.. Have been bulimic for 10 years.. Scariest experience.. And I need, just need to say THANK you to ShrinkYourself.. NOt that it cured me immediately, but this is one of the best things to start with. I started LIVING. That was difficult! I was soo afraid of all emotions SY brought to light. But now i'm not in denial. I see my emotions, I see how I use food to cope with them well, I still sometimes do, but I see it so clearly that stop earlier, the same with purging - I see clearly that it's often imaginary binge, that I've eaten as much as normal people would, and purging serves some psychological purpose. This acknowledging does make a difference. It pushes to the choice of coping with the real problems. I have come a long way since then. And still have some to go... Again, thank you, SY!

N said...

Living this life with buliemia is hellish! The well worn mask of a normal all-together life falls off in private where I binge and purge the time and my potential life away. I have tried and exhausted every type of therapy available, some with short term relief but it has always returned and it bites back harder each time. I refuse to give up hope of a life of freedom but eighteen years of my 31 has left me feeling jaded! Thankyou for give my hope tank the top up it needs to push on and keep fighting for life.

jk said...

I must admit its a challenge each day, trying to fit in exercise as well as cooking good meals for myself. It makes it easier when you have a support network around you that will help you along the way. Dont be afraid to ask for help, its what gets you through the tougher times, and once you ask for help, either from a flatmate, partner or friend or other, the feeling of release, and vulnerability that goes with it, makes you feel wonderful (strange but true). Also, I make it a priority now to exercise my body 5-6 times a week, even if its something like a short stroll, just to keep my body moving and to remind it that I care for it. I place a high priority on this, because I know the benefits are that I will not only feel better, but others around me will feel better because I will be able to share more of myself! Its easy to slump back into a binge, Ive been there more times than I care to remember, but at the moment on this road to recovery I can tell you, with support, a little self love to get you started (which will grow in time), affirmations (my current fave - 'from little things, big things grow' ) plant the seed towards a better life for yourself, small steps do make a difference. Much love and healing to you all xoxox

H.J. said...

I feel so touched by everything you are writing.I was bulimic for years in the 80s and back then I thought I was the only one,never heard of it before.It was my biggest secret I could never share with anyone,for fear they would judge me and be disgusted.When I read that Elton John,Diana,so many people were struggling with exactly that,I couldn't stop crying,I felt more normal.I managed to stop,then became very overweight,still am.Got the book and started working on the REAL issues.The book is great,thanks and I wish you all well in your fight,it is possible to tackle it,I feel it deep down.

J9 said...

I have struggled with bulimia for about 27 years. It was worst in my twenties. But I've learned it never really goes away... at least not for me. Food is my drug, but its a drug you can't just "give up" completely. I don't binge and purge like I did, but everyday I struggle with body image, eating to much or not enough. Still, I've come soooo far. Where bulimia used to be my life, I now have a real life. For the most part, I eat right, exercise, etc. I just still can't get rid of feeling fat...

chandler18 said...

Has anyone gotten over bulima for good, or is it something that you will always do occasionally? I want to stop now, for good. No relapses. I have been experimenting for about a year now, maybe two to three times a month and I feel horrible about it. I just don't want to do any damage to myself.

nymom said...

This was a very helpful interview to read and I am so inspired by it. I've struggled with bulimia since I was in my very early teens, and although I'm not binging and purging daily, bulimia is still very much a part of my life and a way for me to cope with life. Today I learned about catastrophe predictions and oh my goodness I found my largest bing/purge trigger. This was a great blog and interview and I'm so deeply glad that I started this program!!!!