People, People Who Need People
FRIDAY, JANUARY 15, 2010 | POSTED BY MICHELLE
Barbara Streisand croons, “People, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” Simply put, we need people. A brilliant PBS documentary called “This Emotional Life” that was hosted recently by Daniel Gilbert, PhD talks about how our fulfillment is directly correlated to the quality of our relationships. If disharmony or disappointment in your relationships contributes to your overeating, keep reading.
In the mini-series, “This Emotional Life”, the controversial study by psychologist, Harry Harlow is cited. For those that are not aware of this study, I’ll summarize it. Dr. Harlow took rhesus monkeys and separated them from their mothers. He then gave them the option of two possible surrogates. One surrogate was a wire shaped monkey that had a baby bottle that provided food. The other was a cozy, terrycloth surrogate who provided softness but no food. The monkeys always preferred the comfort over the nourishment. Whenever a frightening stimulus was brought into the room, the monkey ran to the terrycloth surrogate.
Even bearing in mind that rhesus monkeys require the act of clinging more than human babies, there is perhaps something for us to learn from this experiment. Human mothers often use feeding time to bond with their children. As a result, as adults we may return to the idea that food will provide us with comfort, when perhaps it’s a different sort of comfort that we truly crave. It is not food that soothes us when we are frightened, anxious or upset, it is softness. Gentleness. Love.
But how do we get it? That can be the hard part. We often act the most repellent when we need people the most. We criticize, when we want to connect. We nitpick instead of admitting our vulnerable needs. One line that I loved in the documentary by psychologist, John Cacioppo, who is an expert on loneliness and the effects of social isolation, was, “loneliness is not a feeling, but an urge, like hunger or thirst that indicates something essential is absent.” To me, this reflects that quality human contact is not an added benefit of being human, but a necessity, as critical to our health and well-being, as food, water, or air. Read more about loneliness.
I saw evidence of this when a member of Shrink Yourself recently shared that after an upsetting event she was tempted to binge. Instead, she PAUSED in the way that we teach members to do in the Shrink Yourself program. She called a friend and shared the biggest laugh that she had had in a long time. Afterwards, she was clear that reaching for food would have prevented this phone call. And the human connection is what she needed to remedy the upsetting event, not the tasty treat. So often we go for the quick fix because we don’t know how to connect. Because it feels easier. Because we don’t believe we have people to connect to. Or, are afraid to make ourselves vulnerable. Or have been disappointed too many times to reach out, yet again.
No matter what you have experienced, don’t give up. Human connection, albeit painful at times, is well worth it. Some quick ways to bring more human connection into your life.
- Hug Someone – A hug that lasts six seconds or more triggers the release of a hormone called oxytocin. This hormone makes you feel more loving. So, take time to hug. It can be your spouse, your child, your elderly neighbor, even a stranger. I try to give my son six of these a day and when we forget, we give a thirty-six second hug before bedtime
- Make Your Children Smile – MRI studies show that when a mother sees her child smile the same part of the brain lights up as the part that lights up when she thinks about food or sex. There is a great reward in just seeing a smile.
- Volunteer – Many elderly people are touch deprived. Visiting a senior center and holding someone’s hand benefits the both of you. One of my first jobs was as the director of a senior center. I remember loving how different elderly people’s hands felt—the thinness of the skin and the way the veins felt like the roots of a tree.
- Forgive Someone – A common quote is, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” Ask yourself, is there a grudge you’re holding that you could give up?
Look for little ways to connect. These little connections make a big difference. If you’re confused about a relationship in your life take the Shrink Yourself profile to see how that relationship is affecting your overeating. We need each other. If we could only stop being so strong and admit that, life might get a little softer, a little richer, and a whole lot sweeter.
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