Codependence Contributes to Overeating

Codependence Contributes to Overeating

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 04, 2010 | POSTED BY MICHELLE

Codependence is defined in many ways. A common definition is being overly focused on other people in a way that inhibits the quality of your life and your relationships. I’ve heard it called being O.P.P. (other people oriented). Another way to think of codependency is people-pleasing, or being a bobble head, saying yes without consideration of your own wants and needs. The concept was originated when mental health workers observed the partners of alcoholics and the ways in which they sacrificed their own health, happiness, and well-being because of someone else’s disease. As human works-in-progress, we are probably all a little bit co-dependent (heck, in our selfish society, some of us could even stand to be a little bit more O.P.P.) however, after working with overeaters for years I can assure you that some of the patterns of codependency contribute to overeating and this is what we’re going to look at today.

Codependent’s Anonymous defines four patterns of co-dependency. They are denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and control (outlined below). For each one, I’m going to write how that particular pattern ties in to overeating. At the end I will give you some simple tools that you can use to combat codependency (and the overeating it can trigger).

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Overeating:
When we’re disconnected from our feelings for too long, any feeling starts to be intolerable. Since food numbs feelings, a pattern of denial can contribute to overeating by insuring that you’ll be distanced from your true feelings. Food stops you from feeling and keeps you in a denial pattern.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Overeating:
When our true needs are not met, food can feel like a quick fix way to fill up. It is an overly simplified way of receiving. Using food in this way defers having to develop the skills to treat ourselves as worthy and lovable, and to trust that we can ask for what we want. Food stops you from sticking up for yourself, and keeps you in a low self-esteem pattern.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Overeating:
Overeating is often a consolation prize for not getting the things we truly want in life. C’mon, if a genie came out of a bottle offering a wish, would you pick a brownie or true love, a cookie or a fulfilling career, a piece of pizza or peace of mind? The answer is clear. Every time we choose food instead of creating a life we love, we’re confirming that we’re not important therefore food keeps a compliance pattern going.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

Overeating:
We are worthy of love. Period. We don’t have to do anything to get love. We don’t have to make ourselves indispensable. We just have to be. This simple realization can stop you from busying yourself with everyone else’s needs. And when you do you might have the time to eat well and exercise.

Feelings, our feelings, are important guideposts. If we shut the door on them, whether by being overly focused on others or by overeating, our compass gets stuck. Shrink Yourself helps you to feel again (without fear). Here are some simple ways to start breaking a pattern of codependency and the overeating that it can cause.

1. Use “I” statements. It can be so difficult to own our own feelings. “I feel lonely” instead of “you never spend time with me during football season.”
2. Practice making simple requests. “Can I have a kiss during the commercial break?” instead of “Be more affectionate.”
3. Do a Temperature Check – Check in with yourself. Stop to see how you're feeling in both body, and mind. Use that temperature check to help you use “I” statements and make simple requests (or simply to get some rest when you need it).

Melody Beattie, the Queen of Codependency says, “recovery can be fun.” It can be wonderful to discover who you are and what you really feel, independent of other people.

9 Comments In the order they were posted.

Laura Krotzer said...

this article is spot on as far as I'm concerned - I think as a recovering co-dependent that it's important to understand that feelings pass and are a barometer for what is going on and how you are framing your experiences - even the worst ones can't kill you! and they pass pretty quickly but get blocked if you eat over them...causing further denial - this author really knows her subject!

Nancy said...

wow...never realized my compliance to fit in at work and not make waves is actually codependency behavior. And yes, food has been my consolation!! Quite a revelation!

Mary said...

I 've been woking on the Coda issue for years. Although I know that there is an OA group, I never really linked it with codependecny. This is good info!

Giselle Brand said...

Very nice article on co-dependency. It is amazing how we can stay in harmful relationships for way too long and totally compromise the quality of our lives. It feels awesome to put ourselves back in the driver's seat of our lives.

Lisa said...

Wow, this is eye opening! Thank you! I could find myself in at least one line from every pattern, I appreciate your helping me to see doorway that was once hidden.

Deb50 said...

I read this blog when it was first posted, then read it again today. Between reads, I had been reading about boundaries the topic was spurred by work I had done in SY. Now that I have come back to read this post again, I can see myself in Low Self Esteem Pattern. But what is also helpful is I can see my mother more tenderly than before. Not that this is my mother's program -- I have to take responsibility for my own -- but she probably fits the control pattern. Reading that helps me relate to her in a healthier way.

Samalapoo said...

OK, you must have followed me around for a while and then wrote this. This has really helped me look at my life in a different light. I knew I was co-dependent, I just did not know how co-dependent. Reading this gives me a lot of hope! Thank you so much.

Deanne said...

WOW, I didnt realise this behaviour was a condition I just thought it was just me stuck in a horrible place. So now I can do something about it....

JenK said...

Wow