Maurice Sendak's book "Pierre" tells the story of a little boy who says, "I don't care " to everything. When a lion shows up threatening to eat Pierre and Pierre retorts his usual, "I don't care", the lion eats him. The moral of the story is, care.
So often I hear people who struggle with their weight say, I saw the piece of cake and a voice inside me said, "I don't care, I'll just eat it." Or [they'll tell me,] I sat there with the whole box of Samoa Girl Scout Cookies and heard myself say, " I don't care, I'll eat the whole box. After all Girl Scout Cookie season only comes around once a year." Or getting ready for the gym and that same voice will say, "I don't care if I never wear a bathing suit again, I'll just sit here and watch Oprah."
I'm here to tell you not to believe that voice. The truth is that you do care. You care very much. That's why you've tried diet after diet and that's why you looked for and found our website, book, or online program.
Human beings feign disinterest when something feels too hard. If you have a child you've probably heard them say, "I don't care if I never ride a bike." "I don't care if those kids invite me to their party." They care very much, but they're afraid of failing, and so are you.
It's not that you don't care, it's that you feel defeated or afraid to set yourself up to fail. And why shouldn't you? Diets set you up to fail because they don't offer you the information you need to lose the weight you want. You don't need an eating plan. You don't need someone to tell you that a box full of caramel coated cookies isn't good for you. You already know all that.
What you need is to find your hope again by seeing real change. The kind of change you're looking for in your body begins in your mind. It begins with a conviction to care. Care for your health. Care for your self-esteem. Care for your future. When you care, you can stay true to yourself in the moment and make better choices.
By: Michelle Fiordaliso, MSW, CNC - Clinical Director, Shrink Yourself
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18 Comments In the order they were posted.
Jason said...
Michelle, that's so very true! Sometimes I feel so wrapped up in my weight, that it seems impossible to manage. But, if I step back and address other aspects of my life, my weight is just one piece of my life and it begins to feel more manageable. Great point.
francine ranay boylan said...
I read the article above and I guess I just dont care about myself I never thought I would ever have a weight problem I eat constantly If I do not feel stuffed then I feel empty. I am at the point of not wanting to go anywhere or do anything but eat and I just cant seem to help myself I guess its just easier. I swear I was never like this I always took very good care of myself I even did some modeling and I still have the clothes from then and I could not even get one of my legs into the pants or shorts. My husband laughs when he looks at my old wardrobe. Please help me to learn how to care about me again I dont know where that person is????
Jen said...
I can so relate to this. I believe I have always been an emotional eater as far back as I can remember. I don't know what makes me do it. I get lonely, sad, depressed, feeling unwanted or unappreciated. I turn to food for comfort. My weight goes up and down. It has all my life. I was diagnosed with diabetes in 1996. I took herbs and lost 190 pounds but I still struggle on a day to day basis with my weight and this dreaded emotional eating habit that I so desperately need to break. Thanks for sharing the stories. I will be getting books from the library in my area on emotional eating disorders. Thanks again and God bless you.
ready to change said...
I too really relate to this article. I hadn't thought of it in this way not caring but, I had just said to myself,"who cares, I'll exercise tomorrow", so there you go. I'm glad others are out there like me. The truth is I do care, alot. Thanks for listening.
joanne said...
Once I shared how in my head I'll think - "I just don't care" and I go ahead and eat whatever. I said that I really do care, so why do I do that and does anyone have any tips. A lot of people in the group started giving me some tips and saying words of understanding and encouragement. One lady came over and sat by my chair to further talk to me, another lady gave me a marker that she used to write down what she ate. Told me to use it, and it would help and that she had extra and wanted me to have one.
I was very touched by their sincere gestures and words. It wasn't so much what they said, but the support that made such a difference, it helped a lot. But, it was temporary. Should I try or expect to receive support on an ongoing basis from others or try and give that to myself from myself. Independence or interdependence. Or is that even the basis for saying "I don't care".
Margaret Roxburgh said...
Recently I was fantastically helped by the 12 week Shrink Yourself Programme and lost an amazing 22kilos in 7months. I did it for myself and was so proud of my achievements.
I travelled home to NZ last month to my son's wedding and was thrilled the family were so happy for me, apart from my daughter who for the first time in her life saw me as small if not smaller than she.
She was very rude to me and told me the wedding was not about me and that it was time to step back from the family. I felt so desolate lost and alone and felt I could not share tis with my four sons as I truly knew this was not a time to be making rifts within the family.
I found my happiness ebb away as quickly as bath water emptying down the drain. Over the few days of wedding celebrations I cried inside continually and suddenly found I was back eating as fast and destructively as I had in the past. I felt like a nobody and least of all the loved mother I thought I was.
Now I am back here again I have taken a long hard look at things and am slowly getting back on track. I gained 3 kilos and know that will double and treble if I continue to feel sorry for myself,
I realise over my lifetime I surely have binged on food when things have hurt, but this time I can see what I am doing and hopefully have recognised the inner confidence Shrink Yourself programme has given me and I know I have control not my daughter nor anyone else and I will 'knock the monkey off my shoulder' and persevere for my own good and self belief.
It is also very wonderful to read of others experiences and the way they cope in difficult times.
I am pleased I have 'emotions' clearly clarified as the cause of my overeating and wanting to FILL the Empty void left from the hurt and isolation, as this clarifacation helps me to meet my needs, not by eating for comfort, but rather drawing strength from the knowledge that I have been a wonderful mother and provided for each of my children and deep down I know they really do love me. This makes me have the belief in myself to be strong and take the knocks without any more emotional eating.
Molly said...
Because I tend to use food to reward and punish me based on many old childhood tapes, I can see that caring is right there in front of me--why would I be so interested in reward and punishment if I did not care--thanks
Andrea said...
I binge when I feel like I cant complete something like one of uni assignments of work for work or prac. I used to do a lot worse and today I ate a box of muesli and threw it up. The first few bowls I justified - itll be all right you didnt eat any rice yet. Then another one itll be all right youre going to the gym later. But really it was all a bit I dont care - but I did really - but Im back on it from about 20 minutes ago and will eat better for the rest of the day and breathe and stay seated when i think I cant edit anymore. I need to believe I really can do these things.
Laura said...
This article was excellent. I tell myself the same thing when I want to eat something. I almost feel like I'm a child when this happens instead of a 38 year old! Emotionally speaking, I think I haven't grown up very quickly. Instead of learning from my mistakes and working through the emotions, I've gone into my "safe" place by eating. The emotions are there for a reason, they have been speaking to me for decades and I haven't listened like I should have. It's painful feel them! But I feel like I am finally at a place in my life where I can start to face who I am now and face the pain head on with an online support system - seems like the answer.
qian said...
"... Diets set you up to fail because they don't offer you the information you need to lose the weight you want. You don't need an eating plan. You don't need someone to tell you that a box full of caramel coated cookies isn't good for you. You already know all that."
So true!
"What you need is to find your hope again by seeing real change. The kind of change you're looking for in your body begins in your mind. It begins with a conviction to care. Care for your health. Care for your self-esteem. Care for your future. When you care, you can stay true to yourself in the moment and make better choices."
Thank you for saying these. Thank you...
rosie said...
It surely is good to read these comments. It reminds me I am not alone in this battle...it is part of the human condition to want to indulge self and destroy the evil in us by eating..the voice tells us we don't matter, we don't need to keep caring...dear Friend Jesus said "if you want to follow after me, DENY YOURSELF, take up your cross, and follow Me." The world, the flesh and the devil says to indulge self...I want to listen to my True Love who tells me I am beautiful, of great worth and value. My body is His temple..He dwells in me, if I let Him. I must not destroy it. If I do, He'll not stop me......I am in control of all that. I choose. Part of the old self is still there and wants to destroy, even obliterate myself with food......I lose it and gain it and get sick of it all...but I know I must keep on choosing right and it'll come right....I need Divine help, I believe to get above the inertia, and evil, that wants to pull me down into the grave. I choose not to shorten my life. I know if I hadn't had this belief, I would have been well over 100kgs maybe 200....who knows.....I am thankful, my setpiont is round 80kg. I know it should be 70......and I am trying to get there...every day I try. I eat healthy, and exercise often, but I still haven't got the calorie in versus calorie burnt equation right. It takes trial and error...keep trying...never, ever give up.....rose
tina said...
SO TRUE. WONDERFUL ARTICLE. I know that when I care for myself, each day, taking a moment to de-stress, I lose weight that week. I care by doing fun things, or things I haven't done in ages.
When I care, I am not tempted by anything.. I am happy. I have been able to lose 27 pounds and I am about 3 pounds from my goal weight by exercising, eating a high-nutrient, plant-based diet, and caring and loving myself unconditionally.
Janice said...
Great article. I once heard that not caring really means that somehow, it has become too painful to care. I have thought that it's no use to try and lose weight because I have tried so many times before and am back at the beginning again. SY has given me hope that this time is different. Thank you for the wise words!
jackie said...
This is the first time I have read words that relate to the way I am FEELING, "I don't care" is something I say to myself in one way or another everyday, mindlessly! I also read in the article the 12 kinds of emotional eating and I relate to all of them and none of them at the same time! I am so detached from myself that I cannot yet identify my triggers because I have been so blinded by "I don't care" I could write my own book on how to eat properly to lose weight, I have tried so many times. I always thought I needed more information, more book knowledge. I now know that information will never work for me I need to go through the process I digging into myself to find the part that really does care. Even as I type this I do not feel her presence in me, not today but I am aware that she exists.
nette said...
How do you motivate a person to care, if they already don't. That's the problem right there. I have sat with nutritionists, psychotherapists, and exercise coaches, and their bottom line is "you have to care." Well, that horse has already left the barn. If this is the solution, I've already lost. Even though I might wish I could conquer this problem, I'm not sure I'm able to care enough to go through all the pain, suffering, deprivation, emptiness, to get where I wish I could be. Especially if it isn't a permanent fix -- someone above talks about backsliding. Sounds like what I've already been through with the jillion diets I've already done.
I just wish this problem could get fixed and stay fixed for good.
I can care enough to last about 3 months, then I get overwhelmed by something or other, and end up worse off than I started.
I can grit my teeth and "care" enough to resist a candy bar or whatever right now, but what about 20 minutes from now? What about tomorrow? And every day after that?
Rose said...
I'd like to reply to Margaret Roxburgh specifically as we have had very similar experiences. I joined the program and was doing really well so got up the courage to go visit my son and family for a weekend on the other side of the country. When there, he had nothing to say to me and by the time I left I felt shattered by his attitude. Of course, I came back and ate and ate and ended up putting on the 6Kg that I had lost. It took me about 8 months to get back on track. I realised that I had to stop opening myself up to unrealistic expectations of what our relationship should be in order to stop letting his attitude hurt so much.
Sarah said...
The problem is with me ia I don't related to the term 'emotional over-eatting'. For me I'm not consciously aware that I am feeling a gap of loneliness, or self worth etc.. I just don't relate to that. I always think I eat because I enjoy it.
Oh, I just fancy a slice of toast etc. I never eat because I'm filling a void of loneliness or boredom. I just eat because I enjoy it - it's one of the great pleasures of life.
If eatting was purely fuel then for me life would be really boring. I enjoy eatting and it's only when I read sites like this that I think I have a problem.
I was always brought up to think how I eat is normal and healthy. I mean don't social occasions revolve around eatting and drinking? How will you cope? You can't cut bad food stuffs out of your life forever.
Are you never going to have a slice of cake again?
I'm sorry I just don't relate to this at all - and it's left me feeling sad and depressed about my diet.
But really I am a happy, healthy woman who's a size 12. I don't consider myself to be over weight but I feel that society judges me because I'm n ot a stick insect.
People should be happy and healthy and not obsessing about their weight.
Go on, have the odd slice of toast, have the odd cappacino. I find people who are just healthy ALL the time incredibly difficult to be around as they make you feel like a complete failure.
They are always telling you how many calories are in something or how caffine is bad for you.
I don't know I just find it hard work and boring and for me eatting and drinking is way of letting me hair down and relaxing.
Helen said...
Sarah,
You don't need a diet. Period. But avoiding putting on weight is so much better than having to try and lose it so understanding your motivations around food can be helpful.
Of course food is fuel and a social lubricant and of course you can eat cake. But not every day or every meal or the whole cake. That's what many of us did to get to be the size we are. Enjoy your food and remember that so much about our shape is dictated by our genes.
This program has helped me lose 22 pounds so far and I'm fitter and more well-adjusted around food than I've ever been. Stay away from Skinny Minnies they have bigger food issues than you can probably imagine. Find friends who talk about real life. Go somewhere else to exercise I run outdoors, it keeps me away from the obsessive Lycra pack in the gym.
