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Tip of the Week: Filling the Emptiness

Many Emotional Eaters report that there is an emptiness they feel inside that they're trying to fill with food. They seek the feeling of being full. But what they don't understand is that the emptiness they feel cannot be filled with food.

Your Emptiness Layer

Whenever you overeat in response to the kind of emptiness experience I have just described, you are tacitly agreeing that you aren't an adult, but are still a helpless infant in fear of abandonment. It's not the truth, but it's a version of the truth that you keep alive this way.

This is a universal experience that on some unconscious level, childhood fears of abandonment get reduced to one almost palpable image of an empty cavity that can be filled only by something outside, as if we're still infants with open mouths waiting for milk, screeching like the baby birds being fed in nature films. That primal, early memory of being hungry of being voracious and unattended to, desperately needing milk in order to survive and feel comforted and loved, in order to avoid discomfort gets implanted in our psyches, and we recall it as a potential disaster state. We fear that maybe no one will be there to fill that void, and then it'll go on endlessly, while we helplessly wait in anguish.

The familiar empty feeling that any emotional eater can tell you about is only an inch away from abandonment terror. As long as you believe that such terror is too horrible to experience, the food trance will have a seductive power over you. The cure for this is based on a cliché. Remember, that was then, and this is now.

To Find Real Fulfillment...

You'll have to reinterpret the experience of emptiness to see exactly what it means to you and how you can take charge of your life to deal with it
You'll have to catch yourself in the mystery layer of emptiness. You'll have to recognize, not avoid, your abandonment fear, and see it for what it is, an outdated image and memory of what you feared as a child
You'll have to become intimately acquainted with your expectancy pattern and catastrophe prediction you make about being deprived or disappointed
You'll have to prove to yourself, by the experience of catching yourself, that your expectancy pattern is not the right way to deal with your relationships in life
You'll have to remember that you have two methods to void your powerless conclusion about emptiness:
1. Remember that emptiness can never be filled with food
2. Stop adding to your feelings of emptiness by confusing your childhood fear of abandonment with the current situation


	Make emotional eating, food addiction, overeating, and binge eating a thing of the past! Not only will you see a difference in your body, you will see a difference in how you relate to food and everything else in your life. Click here to join now.

50 Comments In the order they were posted.

Melinda said...

This article is very meaningful and helpful to me. I've felt myself slipping back into old destructive habits recently and this article came at just the right time to help me get my thinking straight and me back on track. Thank you.

Shirley A Rimmer said...

I must admit that I have spent years filling my "emptyness" with food, especially junk food, sweets, cake and crisps etc. I have done it for years and even though I am 51 now, I still do it. So I will have a read through your site and see what info I can find as I have never been able to get over this.

Shirley said...

To add to the above comment, I have described it to my mum like this. When I walk round the shops or supermarket and see cream cakes or chocolate bars, anything like that, I see them as "pain killers" to sooth and calm the pain inside me. I do not see a chocolate bar for what it is. I see something that will kill the pain or fill that emptyness. But knowing this, doesnt stop me from over eating or comfort eating and if I am honest my eating right now is about the worst its ever been. I wasnt to stop this once and for all but to me its equal to smoking and almost impossible to stop. Not only that but its doing my health no good and the weight is going on too. Before my kids were born when I was 36, I was always a size 12, no matter what I ate! But since they were born I have had weight problems and am now a UK size 20 top and a size 16 - 18 trousers etc. I will be in town today and I will end up eating cake with a coffee in a nice coffee shop! Its like a drug to me and when I force myself to do without this fix, I dont like how I feel one bit. Thanks for listening. Shirley

betsy said...

"Its like a drug to me and when I force myself to do without this fix, I don't like how I feel one bit." This explains my feeling right on. Not only do I not like how I feel, the feeling is unacceptable. An eating disorder specialist I used to go to told me I need to "identify" that feeling, which is something I've never been able to do. Saying "I don't like how I feel" is as close to identifying it as I have been able to come. I want to find the answer!

Shirley said...

Hi betsy, You are so right, the feeling is unacceptable - totally. I have never been able to identify the feeling either and like you, I want to find the answer. I have just been in town like I said I would and I have been and had cake with a coffee and bought chocolate too!! God only knows, this has been going on for years. You are not alone, I dont like how I feel either and I want to find the answer as soon as I can.

Emma said...

I wish I could address this. I feel as though I a going to collapse with hunger if i don't eat huge amounts of food - which just isn't true. Everyday I tell myself I am going to eat moderate amounts of healthy food and everyday I do - as well as large amounts of bread, cakes, cereals, chips etc. etc. on top. When I eat the extra food I feel a tremendous sense of release and temprary wellbeing. I feel as though I cannot cope without this food and I feel trapped in a negative cylcle which keeps me 5 stone overweight. I need to put a different picture into my head.

sandra bignall said...

I am just thinking about giving in to chocolate. Yesterday was the first day of my new life without the emotional crutch of food. I realise that I will not be such a nice person anymore as food dampens down my misery and without it I am a miserable person. I want to change my life so much but don't know where to start.

pam s said...

Wow, I can't believe this, it's what I've been feeling but didn't know how to put into words. This is so ME! I know I shouldn't eat it and I don't want to but I sit there and stuff my face anyway and hate myself afterward. How do I stop this madness???

Shirley said...

Hi Emma, Sandra and Pam, How I know about that tremendous sense of release, the emotional crutch and not wanting to sit there stuffing my face and yet I do it all the time!! Like you all, I am desperate to stop the madness. I tried giving up chocolate, crisps and cake a couple of weeks ago but have gone back to it again! It is a negative, vicious circle and I feel so trapped - I need a different picture in my head too.

k said...

I can identify with your comments, esp Betsy's. I can't say what the feeling is most of the time, I just know it's very uncomfortable and unacceptable. When I continue on the diet regardless, I end up having constant feelings of wanting to cry. Shrink yourself website has helped me to let myself feel more. I find though, that I need to read the information daily to remind me it's ok to 'feel' my feelings, however uncomfortable. Because in the 'long run' by staying on my regimine I will 'feel better'......

Nicola said...

The painkiller analogy is dead on. I want chocolate or pastry to dull the intense feelings that I don't know what to do with. There is something to the subconscious feeling of abandonment that scares us into thinking that our needs won't be met. I grew up in a loving, but extremely chaotic household with 3 brothers, where there was never enough food or money. When I try to eat properly I get agitated over time and find it annoying and BORING that I can't go back to my secret life of eating drama. Miserable without my sweets, miserable with them.

beckie said...

Some of this I already knew, but comparing the urge to eat emotionally with being an infant who wants to be comforted by food or milk is really profound to me. Thanks for shedding some new light on this.

mary said...

I honestly don't recall being abandoned in childhood! Could their be other reasons in childhood for emotional eating now ?

Shirley said...

I was abandoned emotionally by my dad. Or to put it another way, he neglected me emotionally and emotionally abused me for more than 30 years!! I think that this has a lot to do with my food addiction. Also this has impacted on my marriage and I dont feel able to be close to any man now- I am too scared. So my husband is also suffering and I have no idea what to do to get over it.

Leann said...

This is a great article! It helped me realize that my fears of abandonment, as a very small child and the feeling of being unwanted. Both have contributed to my need to stuff down the pain and/or fill the emptiness inside with food. All my life I heard how my mother didn't want to have 'all those babies' and how I was supposed to be a boy. My older sister 13 months apart was always favored. So I grew up feeling unwanted and like I was defective. When I was just 2 yrs old my mother had a 'nervous breakdown' and was taken to a hospital. My new baby sister went with her because she was breast feeding. I was taken care of by my aunt and remember that time as dark and frightening. Since I have been working with Shrink Yourself my emotional eating has not been such an issue for me. I always wondered what triggered my emotional eating however. Now that I know the connection I can be more aware of the triggers. Thank you so much for this article and for your wonderful book and program.

veritas said...

when I was 1 year old, my parents left me in the care of my grandparents and went abroad to study. They came back just before I turned 7 and I was well cared for , even pampered by my grandmother but my parents coming back with two other daughters was devastating for me. I never felt I belonged as they all came back an intact family and I felt like the outsider. I struggled with forgiveness for decades and only recently was able to forgive as I realized that they are human and did what they considered best at the best time . Also they arranged very loving care for me and when they came back they were model parents for my sisters and I. However, I have always struggled with my weight. I exercixe a lot of self control, then feel its not working and have a binge. I am not tempted by chocolate or cake or donut or chips or soda but when my brain leaves me and I am on a binge, I eat just anything and I am still not too sure of the connection because I have forgiven my parents, now have an exceelnet relationship with them and even asked their forgiveness for my years of bitterness but the weight issue and emotional eating particularly at night continues and I feel it reflects lack of love for my self but yet I am confused because I am a very confident and positive person who has accomplished much that I am happy about.

Barb said...

I can relate to Veritas, I have always struggled with my weight. I do excersise self control but when it is not working for me, I too binge. I too am not sure of the connection. I think for me it is the childhood rebellion stage of saying "No one is going to tell me what to do" issue! I lived in a controlling household and I remember saying that when I was able to live on my own, I would do what I wanted, which included eatting and drinking what I wanted too. Now when I get in a mood - I think that kicks in and I don't have much control over that. I think that makes me feel like I have control - if that makes any sense. Any advise or others that can relate?

B said...

I share a very similar past as veritas above. I was 4 when my father left me abroad to be raised by my grandparents for two years. When my parents finally appeared, they had my little brother with them who was only a year younger but who they kept with them because he was a sickly child. They were all alien to me. A similar thing happened when I was 12: my father preferred to send me away to live with an aunt instead of keeping me at home and sending me to school. Reading this article, it has dawned on me that I have never really felt that I belong to a family. Now at the age of 38 I find myself mimicking one of many aunts that fed me all the time, as if that would heal my pain of abandonment. I offer up second and third helpings and when no one takes them, I help myself. I am currently going through some emotional turmoil with my Dad, who is once again refusing to speak to me because of a matter involving what he thinks is my lack of loyalty towards him. Its happened throughout my life with him and my mum just follows along, clinging to her strong bond with my brother who never has roblems with them. Academically I was brighter, but no matter how hard I tried to gain their affection, he was their baby. So now I have a family of my own, I over-nurture, using food as a comfort blanket just as my aunts did all those years ago. And I know I need to change this, if not for me then for my little boy who'll end up repeating this pattern. But its very hard to let go of bad habits when both you and your spouse have got the same issue!

Renee said...

I feel like this too.I eat to avoid feeling empty.I'm not totally sure why I feel empty but eating to fill the hole ends up making it feel even worse.

Maria said...

It's as though I have someone screaming at me in my head when I try to avoid binging or overeating. It's as though I have no control over my body - like I'm possessed. It's funny, I grew up in a Catholic family, and anyone who's Catholic KNOWS that possession is the biggest fear. I just now clicked with that analogy. Interesting. I've been possessed all of these years.

katie said...

This article really hit a nerve. I know I eat to fill the emptiness and loneliness within me. Sometimes I feel so alone I feel in pain or as if I might die from this feeling. The planning, buying and binging of comfort food are all I feel I have. Without it what else could I look forward to be doing? Nicola's comment about the 'drama' of it rings so true. "When I try to eat properly I get agitated over time and find it annoying and BORING that I can't go back to my secret life of eating drama." I feel as if, when binging, I am comforting myself, breaking the rules and showing that I matter- that my needs are as important as everyone else. And then afterwards the shame kicks in and the guilt and the self hatred but then I can read diet books and promise myself I won't do it again, so I never have to sit and wonder why it is that I am a 27 college graduate with a successful career and a loving relationship who has nothing else to look forward to other than secret binging.

Shirley said...

Hi Katie, That emptiness and loneliness is awful isnt it. I feel like you a lot of the time, even though I am married and have got twins! We can be sat here of a night and I feel so lonely inside, and it is so painful. There is no doubt about it, when I am binge-ing, I am comforting my self. I have said over and over again, that I wont do it again but then I always do. I have signed up for the Free 4 day programme and its very interesting. I have problems eating properly too and never enjoy proper meals these days, only if we happen to go out to eat but thats only once a blue moon. I dont know how to get out of this vicious circle but for sure, my dad being abusive most of my life has contributed to all this. And even now I feel I am desperate to feel like I belong somewhere, even though I am married with Children! To add to all of this, 2 years ago last July, I had a breakdown as I realised and acknowledged that my dad had been abusive and had neglected me emotionally and I have been in an anxiety state ever since. The good news is that I am, at long last, getting over the anxiety but this food addiction/comfort eating/overeating will not shift!!

Cathy said...

In the last year and a half, I have not mastered but at least got ahold of my weight and eating problems. Shrink Yourself really opened my eyes to alot of reasons and trigers for the eating problems and the weightloss fell in step with that. I have to tell all of you readers that it 2 other things are very important when you are looking for control. One is getting at least 7 hours straight sleep at night and the other is to take a good multi vitamin. I also take the vitamin B stress complex with vitamin C. Keep ing a log/journal also helped. I tracked what I ate and the emotions at the time. I am 5'2", weighed 240 lbs and NEVER looked in the mirror. Within 9 months, I lost 92 lbs and then after waiting and the skin not tightening, I had a tummy tuck done but it went all the way around taking away another 8 lbs. My end weight is 138 lbs. Today, I still find it is a bit of a challenge to keep to that weight point. I still have to keep reminding myself everyday that I am worth all of the effort and I love to look in the mirror at every chance I get. Not vainly but to keep patting myself on the back. Good luck to you all especially on this day of candy, Halloween...remember, if you mess up, start fresh the next day and don't give up!

Shirley said...

Hi again, We have just had dinner here, mince and onions and mash and I didnt want it. I ate some of it but it was hard work. Me and the kids have got some chocolate cake to eat with a cuppa when Corrie is on TV. That is "better" to me than any dinner!! How ridiculous for a woman of my age?!! I am going to see if they can suggest any help or support at my local docs on Tuesday 5pm. I need it quick. If I was a drinker, I would be permanenty drunk or I would be a chain smoker if I smoked!!

Emma said...

I think its amazing that there are so many people like us in the world! Look at us all! Everyday we fight, or not....a compelling desire to feed our faces to compensate for whats not right inside ourselves. I am training to be a psychiatric nurse and feel useless that I cant even manage to see beyond my own binge eating problem. I have just devoured a whole huge packet of mini flapjacks and brownies! I dont really know why and now I feel horrendous and like I cannot control myself. I am also so full, I can barely move.....but could easily shovell more down my throat if I had anything else in the house worth eating!! I feel disguisting! I have put on 3 and a half stone in the last 3 years and it doesnt seem to be getting any better. I think it would be great if we all began an email support group.......please feel free to email me. I think we could all help each other! emma3ellen@aol.com Stay strong everyone!! X

nbookworm said...

I could write all day about abandonment in my childhood. For better or for worse, I have a very keen long-term memory that is a bit patchy before I was 3 or 4, but pretty intact beyond that. It's unusual and peculiar, but is accurate, and has not been coaxed or coached by anyone. I remember being left in the crib until my parents wanted to deal with me, only occasionally having one of them come in to tell me to shut up. I learned early that the need that my parents would fulfill was for food, most of the time. My parents both knew they could shut me up with food, at least temporarily. My mother was fixated on my weight, so she was wishy-washy about it, but my father didn't hesitate to feed me to get me out of his hair when he was in charge. I remember later being left alone in a car on a lift at a garage for hours with a roll of butter rum lifesavers. When my father returned, he gave me a huge, stale, pastry. I remember being left at home alone by my father and being so terrified that I stood paralyzed in the exact same place for the entire time after which he ridiculed me for following his instructions to the letter. I remember being left at home alone with my brother while our parents worked for 9-10 hours at a time beginning when we were 6 and 9. When I was older, nine, I had to spend my after-school hours alone until my brother returned from home. I gradually went from cringing in terror on a chair until my brother got home to raiding the fridge and just eating my way through the pain until I wasn't alone again. Eventually, it became my job to finish getting dinner ready or cook it all myself. I remember sneaking to the deep freeze to get a second package of hot dogs out and cook them to conceal that I had eaten most of the first package myself. Or spreading out the chicken my mother had cooked on a new paper towel to conceal the grease spots from the pieces I had eaten before dinner. My ninth year must have been when I made the transition from getting the "love" any which way I could from my parents to getting it for myself. It also was when I started to become very noticeably overweight. I'd always been perhaps 10 pounds heavier than my skinny friend, but that year, I probably gained 20 lbs. by the time I was 12, I was 5' 4" and over 120 lbs. It's clear as a bell right now, this erroneous notion that I can fill the void with food. The question is, when I'm faced with the whopping 600 calorie sandwich that I want to eat when I'm not hungry, what can fill that void? What? I am so needing to sign up for this program, but a part of me just knows that it's just another ruse for "let's take your money and make you think THIS is the one that will work..." nbkwrm

Emma said...

Hi nbookworm! Gosh that was sad to read! I sympathise that your parents did not nurture you the way you deserved. I too, can identify with the theme of the shrink programme and understand I binge eat to avoid whats bothering me internally, but am also undecided as to whether to hand my cash over. It isnt cheap! Perhaps try buying the book first....then see......

nbookworm said...

Emma, It was so kind of you to comment! I had thought this would just be a well to yell my thoughts down. I do have the book, and it's very good. If you want to get a look at it, check and see if your library has it. Mine does, but I wanted to own it myself, so I bought one from Amazon.com. I read it up to the point where the program is outlined. Then I guess my fear of failure, or of being let down took over. It's been sitting on my nightstand for months now, with one of those stretchy bookcovers on it. I use it for a coaster... I've been struggling this year over whether or not to get a gastric bypass. I was so gung-ho about doing it until my insurance actually has begun to cover the procedure. Then I lost the 30 lbs they told me I should lose to make the surgery easier. Then I had difficulty with getting the documents I needed. Only one more was required in my file by this summer, and it's on the dashboard of my car. Has been for months. I'm dragging my feet. Wonder which layer THAT is? Rebellion? nbkwrm

emma said...

Oh dear! I might try my library first.....I say you pick up that book and try again!.......you are not a failure! You just need to get in the right mindset. You have nothing to loose! Im not sure about all the ins and outs of the gastric band operations.....I wish you luck if thats the road you choose.....but it wont deal with the problem you, and all of us appear to have.....and that is to 'fuel our emotional hunger with food'. How we conquer that....I dont really know but it certainly helps me to know that there are others out there struggling like me. It perhaps makes us all feel less alone :

Shirley said...

Hi Emma, I have just sent you an e-mail. Shirley

Brenda said...

Hello, I had gastic bypass a little over 4 years ago. I lost 100 lbs in about 1 year. i kept it off for 2. Life got crazy with husband cheating, daughter in her mid teens, and me feeling... maybe like there has to be more. Someone else paid attention to me and I ended up in a relationship that I shouldn't have been in. I couldn't leave my family. My dad was married 5 times So my soul mate found someone else. i miss him terribly. I started gaining my weight back when i realized soul mate couldn't let go of his past hurts and I couldn't let go of my family. The food doens't fill the pain and emptiness and shame that I feel but it gives me something else to think about. Everything i eat makes me sick. I said all this to say that weight loss surgery is not the final answer. Dealing with the reason that we eat is the only permanent soulution to being the weight we want to be. Most days i just want to die. I cant beleive I went throught such evasive surgery and now I am going to be fat again and there is nothing i can do. I am going to buy the book an pray that it helps. I have a 2 month old grand daughter and would love to see her grow up. thanks for listening.

mousehead said...

nbookworm, Please don't get the Gastric Bypass everyone I know that had it either almost died or gained the weight back. I know it's hard, but you can't let them cut on you. You might not be the same. I hate to look in the mirror. I feel so ashamed sometimes I want to stay in the house forever. This article really got to me, I remember being sixteen and feeling like a walnut shell, so empty inside I wanted to die. My Mom and Dad separted when I was three, my mother dated other men and I hated it. My Dad came around whenever he could. Later I found out my Mother stop him from coming most of the times. She finally found somebody she wanted to stay with who was abusive to her. I couldn't go out and play like a normal kid, I was so afraid that if I left he would hurt and I wouldn't be around to help her. On nights when he wasn't hitting her she worked. I was an only child and stayed home by myself. So, I found a hobby. I taught myself how to cook. I would bake cakes and put them under my bed at night so my Mom wouldn't know. Of course you know I ate most of the cake. By the time I was 12 my Mother started taking me to diet doctors. Did I mention that she her self was hooked on diet pills. So, here I am now 49 and 370 pounds, what do I do. I can't seem to stop eating and I hate myself. I allways did what I was told, I did good in school, I excelled at work, people love me, children want me to be there mother and yet I can't seem to conquer this. I won't give up, the Bible says that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Ladies, stay strong we got each other and we got a higher power.

katie said...

Dear Shirley..thank you for your comments. That feeling of not belonging is exactly the same for me. I've sent an email to Emma about the email support group and noticed you had too. Think email support group would be really great and in some ways a life line? Dear Emma, have just sent you a email. Dear Mousehead, thank you for your words and your courage. Sending all the best wishes and hope I can to you x

Shirley said...

Hi Katie, Thanks for your comments. I will speak more about this feeling of not belonging later. Its not good is it. Yes I think an e-mail support group would be a great idea and as you say, a life line. My e-mail address by the way, is avngr8@aol.co.uk if you, or anyone else would like to contact me by e-mail. Take Care. Back soon. S.

Emma said...

I think it is absolutely remarkable that some people here are able to give us all an insight into the traumas of their lives. It takes a strong, capable person to disclose their traumas like that. Brenda, mousehead, all of you....I think you are remarkable people........I think it will be a great idea to talk our difficulties through with one another.....to email when were feeling bad...or when we ve had a bad binge.....and to share positive things that have worked for some of us. BRENDA, it was so sad to read that you felt you wanted to die sometimes.......you are not alone with this.!......do you have a supportive set of people around you whom you can talk about your problem with? If not, please dont hesitiate to email me. I gave my email address earlier on, but here it is again....emma3ellen@aol.com. If you need someone to talk to, please contact me.......... Together, we may all be able to understand our compulsions to binge eat, and finally overcome it. It is said that we grow most from the difficult times we experience........ "We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same!" Kindest Regards to you all Emma X

Shirley said...

Hi Katie, I was talking about feeling lonely wasnt I? I think you can add to that, feeling empty and unfulfilled, like I am of no real importance to anyone. Like I am not valued. I was a full time hairdessing student between 2004 and 2006. I was in my late 40s at the time and the oldest in the class, into the bargain. But I had a great time. Not only were we learning something extremely interesting, but we were meeting lots of people and having a laugh with each other, the clients in the salons as well as the tutors. I felt like I was part of a team and like I was accepted and valued and that I mattered to someone. Infact I felt like I was someone and not just a nobody - like I am now. I felt like I belonged and it was almost like an extended family as I have no family here, other than hubby and the kids. I had a challenge and something to aim at and think about and I was very happy and ful of energy and vitality. It was like I had found the real me. But to cut a long story short, a month after the course ended, I had a nervous breakdown That was July 06 and I have not been the same since!! I have been troubled with anxiety not for the first time and I am happy to report that I am about 80 over it now. But now, I am so lonely, and was before I did the course too, I cant believe it, I need to feel as I did when I was doing the course, even if its doing something totally different. Trouble is, I have got it into my head that I will never enjoy anything as much as I did, that 2 year hairdressing course. I am lonely and dont feel like I belong anywhere or that I am accepted or valued. My father has a lot to do with this as he made me feel for most of my life, like I should never have been born! I feel like I am dealing with all the above by over eating. I saw my doctor yesterday and she said I should mention the over eating to my O T who is helping me through the anxiety when I see her in two weeks. Best Wishes Shirley

Shirley said...

Hi Emma, I sent you an e-mail earlier today. I hope you have got it. I have just seen your above post and I agree completely with what you say. Take care. Best Wishes. Shirley

Nancy said...

In 12 step groups for addictions they refer to this feeling of emptyness as a "hole in your soul" and using a substance food, drugs, alcohold "to try to fill the hole in your soul". I find it very comforting to remember the statement that was then, this is NOW. Other slogans they tell their members is "Stay in the NOW." and "Ask yourself how is your NOW". Yes, I remember lots of abandoment and abuse but hadn't really connected the food to trying to "medicate my abandonment feelings" because like some of the oher writers, I just felt really bad, couldn'tt stand the way I felt, could not identify it and would then eat. Knowing what the monster is makes it less scary = especially when I KNOW I ALREADY SURVIVED IT.

Barb said...

I've just discovered this web site and have been reading many of the posts here. I have been overweight as far back as I can remember. I'm 54 now. I have always felt empty inside. I still do. I was the third oldest of 8 kids. My older sister was my moms favorite and mom never hid that from the rest of us kids. My older brother was always causing some kind of problem and I just kinda faded into the background. My mom was so busy with my older brother and sister, and then the others that came after me, not to mention all the time she spent making everything look good to outsiders. I was bullied all through school and never fit in with my peers. I have always felt very much alone, and still do. I was married to an alcoholic for 27 years and we had 3 sons. I've been divorced since 2004. My boys are great, but they are grown and have they're own lives. I have always used food to make me feel good. I crave chocolate, like you can't imagine! I could live on chocolate! I binge on it and over the past couple years it has gotten so out of control! I suffer from depression and I feel like eating chocolate every day is the only thing that keeps me going. I am up to 300lbs now, I have arthritis so bad in my knees that I am very limited on how much time I can be on my feet, so I'm pretty inactive. I don't go out much, but every time I do, I hit a store or two to stock up on chocolate. I get enough to last me till I know I'll be gong out again. This is killing me but I can't seem to stop it. I eat a whole bag of fun size candy bars at one time, or a whole box of donuts, chocolate of course. I've even eaten almost an entire two layer cake in one sitting. I am so stuck and I'm so afraid that if I don't have my chocolate to get me through the days, my depression will get so bad I'll end up in the hospital because of it. I need to stop this binging, but I'm so afraid of my depression taking over if I give it up. I am in therapy and on anti-depression medication and also take medication for panic disorder. Obviously so far, these things are not helping much. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can start to control this?? And by the way Emma, I am interested in the email support idea. Is that being done? I'd love to know how I can get involved if it is. Thanks for listening!

wesley said...

i have the same problem i cannot change my problem unfortunately. go to a monk centre they teach apreciation from scratch they will also teach relaxation it might take awhile but you will come out with standards and something to work towards. you might not be able to achieve this at home with negative energy in the city,i have no funds to attend such a rekindlement

helen said...

so sad and so familiar the stories of low self esteem and emptyness that lead to over eating becoming a lifelong struggle, I have gained weight and lost weight and think i will always have to fill up just because its like a self saboraging exercise, in your heart you feel you dont deserve to be slim and so it goes on. We need to love ourselves enough to say I'm worth it, I can do this and in your mind you can feel it. Take control slowly and you can get there and it will be worth it. we all fall but we can get back up luv you all xxx

Carolyn Kay said...

I've been successful at using creative imagery to undo some of the damage from childhood. I'll have to try it on this, as well. I hesitate to give any links, though, because the creative imagery people seem to have been taken over by the get rich quick crowd. Carolyn Kay

Ina said...

Thank you. Your articles and this site did a part for me to recover.

Keri said...

It makes me so sad and so mad that I cant control food and the urge to overeat so much. I didnt have a traumatic childhood but I do feel empty and that there must be more to life despite happy about many things in my life. a support group sounds good.my email is keri@talktalk.net

y said...

I am 60 years old. Have been struggling with weight since my first chlld was born when I was 17. Father was an abusive alcoholic, mother an overeater with emotional problems. Most of the time no food in the house. Stored up food like a chipmunk when it was available. Spent all my babysitting money on food at that time convenience stores sold mostly candy chocolate bars so that's what I filled up on. Studied addiction counselling my supervisor at that time the head psychiatrist at the institution said that sugar was harder to get off of than heroin...you heard me right...it is highly addictive and does act like a drug..so none of you are imagining it when you get high on sweets...plus all of the additives that companies put into their foods to get your body hooked is very real...this is why...plus the psychological addiction there is a real physical addiction to junk foods..rarely does anyone overeat on a regular basis on meat potatoes vegetables. My sister who also has the same problem she spent years years at Weight Watchers without success and I have joined forces as in a challenge to lose the weight together we are doing it..I have sworn off all sugar products....its been16 days...longest I've ever gone in years of yo-yo dieting, previous binging purging don't do purging anymore that problem was taken away when I went to WeighDown. One thing I found was that it is better to stay in the solution than the problem..ie going over over the past..staying in today and dealing with it...checking in with my sister and both of us being accountable for our food choices to each other...she's lost about 10 pounds, I've dropped 2 dress sizes and my stomach which has been a major problem has shrunk in half. These blogs are extremely important as is the information provided on this website. All the best.

Sue said...

It's funny isn't it - no-one would beat themselves up for not being able to run 26 miles yet we seem to beat ourselves up if we are not eating 'properly'. What is that 'properly'? Why do we beat ourselves up about it? Will there come a point where we say 'Yes, now I have the PERFECT diet, I am perfect!' It will never work. I agree with food being a comfort. For me I live in a world where I barely get on with anyone. I find other people are always forcing their opinions on me and I feel that they never want to listen to mine. Or I seem to be the invisible person and everyone ignores me. Or at least that is how I feel and this makes me feel lonely and I turn to food and alcohol to alleviate the feelings of not having any friends.

y said...

Saw an experiment in Psych one time. They put all types of food on a conveyor belt and had 4 year olds take the food they wanted to eat. Initially every one of them ate the junk food, cookies, candy ice cream and over time they started to leave the junk food and eat the wholesome foods. I know I get too sick and my body forced me back on good food and days/weeks of binging on junk...as previously stated it is made to keep you hooked..a real physical dependency..not your imagination or lack of will power...it also doesn't nourish your body so you are left physically hungry at the end of each binge or over indulgence in junk food sweets, chips, cakes, pies, chocolate which has, if memory serves, serotonin or something else that relieves anxiety and depression and creates a high...find other foods to give you this...salmon, chicken, nuts, and the cycle can be broken...not easy at all because there is also a psychological component...like addictions we are 'addicted' to the highs....and lows...and drama...and 'getting away with it'...and not letting 'them' tell us what/when/or how we can eat the one thing we have control over as most of our lives are out of control one way or the other. It's not your fault...you are being manipulated by the food industry which is not only getting extremely rich off our misery as is the diet industry, but they don't care..they want to keep you addicted to their foods check the labels, if more than one word you don't understand, don't buy it...eat as clean as possible...non-hormone injected meats, vegetables fruits that aren't filled with pesticides...and the food part will become easier..then onto battling the ghosts of the past....and understanding we DO HAVE CONTROL now..and we are damaging our health, sanity, reputations, work, etc.

Margaret said...

Recently, I discovered the origin of my the void... I read the book, Will I Ever be Enough? about daughters of narcissistic mothers. This book has opened pandoras proverbial box and set in motion much healing. When a child has a narcissistic mother there is no bonding that occurs in the early developmental stages of life. I have been in denial for years about my mother and the abandonment. I have dated men exactly like my mother for 15 years trying to heal this wound, which have all ended in failure. Understanding the void is the lack of bonding and emotional connection with my mother changed my life. I am still trying to learn, and find tools to manage the voice in my head that says, IF YOUR MOTHER can not love you? Who can?.. Although she loved me in the best way she could with the little tools that she had, it did not change the damage that I felt as a little girl. So dating my mom? No more...: A person is loving because they are loving, NOT because I will love them enough to change their damaged heart..Using food to comfort me and fill this void doesn't work now. It is not a quick fix but I now can concentrate on filling my self-loathing with self-love and self-care. All things I am slowly beginning to understand how to do.

Keona said...

I wish after all these years I didn't binge and then feel horrible!! I guess it's the only thing in my life I can really control!!!

Tina said...

xrsize@bellsouth.net I have read the book by Roger Gould. It's great. Binge eating is horrible and my 2 greatest difficultiesare: 1. I hear the conversation play out in my head. "I want the pie." "No, you shouldn't eat that, you self-critical, deragatory comment or name calling. I now recognize that when I give in, my final thought was "Screw it, I don't care! I don't feel good, so I deserve this." now, I'm not entirely sure if what I'm saying to my self is "Here, sweetie, you deserve this reward." or "Here, you weak pathetic failure, you deserve to punish yourself." I know that I am working very hard to say, "I DO CARE about myself and my recovery." "I deserve to feel satisfaction, comfort or whatever it is I or the frightened child inside me need right now." " I'm worth spending the next 20 minutes on my self care." "If I figure out what I feel and what I need, I will address it, if not then I've spent 20 minutes doing something valuable for myself. I will have listened in to my feelings and needs, provided myself with the nurturing self care I deserve and reminded myself that the cravings are not about the food, but are a message from my heart, asking me to listen in." "If after 20 minutes, if I still want the food, that's okay I can still have it. I will eat it MINDFULLY!!! This is not easy to do, but OMG! It's POWERFUL! Thank you, Roger Gould! 2. The 2nd thing I struggle with is forgiving myself for letting my weight get so out of hand and "ruining" my life obvious cognitive distortion. A work in progress. We didn't develop these thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and food overnight. It will take tine to unravel it. I am impatient....with myself. I need to forgive myself and I'm struggling with it. I'm trying.

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