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Tip of the Week: Overeating and The Search for Unconditional Love

If you eat because you feel empty, if you've lost a friend, family member or loved one either to divorce or death, or you just can't seem to connect in the way that you'd like to you might be using food to fill an inexplicable hole inside. If so, this week's tip will help you.

(An Excerpt from the book Shrink Yourself by Roger, Gould, MD) We're always working toward, but never reaching, that goal of having a perfect source of love in adult life. Unconditional love is a rare and short-lived experience usually found only briefly and intermittently, in the parent-child relationship. When relationships fail to provide us with that feeling of unconditional love we so desperately crave, as they always will, then we go looking for it somewhere else, for some it's in alcohol, for others it's in sex, and for you, if you're reading this book, it's probably in food.

Whenever you over eat in response to the kind of emptiness experience I have just described, you are tacitly agreeing that you aren't an adult, but are still a helpless infant in fear of abandonment. It's not the truth, but it's a version of the truth that you keep alive this way. As you learned in the very beginning of this book, it's a universal experience that on some unconscious level, childhood fears of abandonment get reduced to one almost palpable image of an empty cavity that can be filled only by something outside, as if we're still infants with open mouths waiting for milk, screeching like the baby birds being fed in nature films. That primal, early memory of being hungry-of being voracious and unattended to, desperately needing milk in order to survive and feel comforted and loved, in order to avoid discomfort-gets implanted in our psyches, and we recall it as a potential disaster state. We fear that maybe no one will be there to fill that void, and then it'll go on endlessly, while we helplessly wait in anguish.

This terror sends us searching for food, even in adulthood. The way out is to remember that we are no longer infants but capable adults who can fill our lives with meaning.


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12 Comments In the order they were posted.

julie gray said...

That is the first time I have read an article that pointed to the source of being overweight. I did lose a family member in death as a young child. I was seven years old when my daddy died. My mama was very heartbrokened and had to seek treatment for depression. I felt abandonment from both parents at that point. I am looking for the key to unlock the door that holds those emotions. Julie

Debra said...

I know how you feel. My parents were divorced when I was six. My father went away and my mother was preoccupied with her boyfriend. I was told when I was 18 that I was an adult and was thrown out. My clothes on the lawn and became homeless which set off a wave throughout my life of being abandoned and loss of everything the latest being the death of a partner at the end of 2007. Two days later losing my job, having to once again relocate and the bills and everything else that goes along with losing a job. My feelings of powerlessness have almost destroyed me, almost. What hurts the most, is having someone, a relative to tell you to suck it up and get over it. They can say that because their life didn't turn out like mine and they don't know what I feel. Food is a distraction from responsibility. A return to childhood where we didn't have to make these grown up decisions. Every morning when I look in the mirror I feel I've robbed myself of something important, self respect and learning to be there for me whether anyone else is or not.

Atlanta said...

This was so helpful. With knowledge there is power!

Pamela said...

I was 19 years old and my daughter was 14 months old when my husband was killed in a car accident. I still haven't gotten over that. My second husband was an alcoholic, after 20 years in a violent abusive marriage, he was murdered. I felt guilty because I was so relieved. I carry 100 extra pounds on my body, and it all started February 4th 1972. I can't seem to get over it. Finally someone is saying something different. Thank you

Tomeika said...

My mom was never there for me. My dad seem to hate me because I was not like my mom and my mom seem to hate me because I look like my dad. I was always, and still am, trying to make myself accepted in my family. I turned to food at a very young age and just this past year learned that diets won't work. The surgery won't work! Today, I still struggle with the same issues. I am so ready to get over this and move on with my life......

Jean said...

"A helpless infant in fear of abandonment." That's me. Is it possible for the pain and the searching to end? No one, no food fills my need. Today I'm having a better day. Yesterday I ate everything in the kitchen.

Tina said...

I was a chubby child, and obese teen. I did eat to fill a void growing up pains.. Not until I was actually able to be independent by age 21-22 could I begin life as an adult and actually have control over my life that the weight dropped. Carpe Diem!

robyn said...

My relationship with my parents were difficult- and I ate and dieted starting at age 11. I continued this cycle througout my next 50 years. Now I have relationship issues with my daughters- my sisters - and realize I am all about filling the void of what I want vs what is reality and accepting it. I am aware that feeling deprived of an idealistic life is making me eat to soothe- fill the void- make it stop. Finally, I am coming to terms, albeit slowly- with defining my life on what makes it work- and the people I have successful relationships with - and walking away from what is not happening and most likely won't. It is tough- but a reality check- and I am getting tired of wishing and wanting and being frustrated. And eating and filling and hating myself afterwards. I am eating less- and controlling the urges by saying " what is making me feel like I need this ............food. It helps.

elma said...

. FOOD HELPS ! WHEN THERE IS ONLY YOURSELF TO DEPEND ON.

Zeg said...

You are right. There was a time in my life when food was all I had and the sweeter the better! I am over it now. Thank God!

cal said...

I have tried to fill that void since I care to remember. For 15 years I did it with drugs. I have been clean for nearly two years and have substituted the drugs with food. This is the time to just feel what I have to feel but food is always there...

chris said...

That is so true. I just need to let go and remind myself that I have my own life and don't need anyones approval as much as my own. I've been struggling with different feelings towards my family...maybe now I can let go of the idea that I have to free myself of them. Thanks!

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Shrink Yourself

End Emotional Eating

Tip of the Week: Overeating and The Search for Unconditional Love

End
Emotional
Eating