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Tip of the Week: Your Safety Layer

Who wouldn't want to lose weight? The answer to that question is not as simple as it may seem. We know the benefits of being thin, but there are benefits to being fat. The main one is that being overweight makes a lot of people feel safe. It is not a real sense of safety, but it must be understood before you can let it go.

"My weight is, I believe, one of the primary spiritual issues in my life... It is why I run from opportunities to lead and make excuses about my performance... It's why I dread dressing up in a suit and being the adult I should be at my age and station. It's why I shy away from friendships, and project rejection on others. It's why I am painfully selfish. It's why I'm often grouchy, mean and overly sensitive for no reason. It's why I'm jealous of others. It's a source of resentment at God." Michael Spencer, The Internet Monk

You could interpret Mr. Spencer's quotation, above, in two ways. First, you can think he is saying, "Because I am fat, I hide." On the other hand, he might be saying, "I stay fat or become fat in order to hide." The question is, which strategy resembles your own behavior?

You may be part of the first group. You became heavy and because you're heavy, and embarrassed about it, you're hiding from the world until you lose the weight. But even if this is how it happened to you, once fat has become useful as a way of avoiding and hiding, the "I will do it after I lose weight" becomes a hiding place.

In essence, using fat to keep you feeling safe is learned and can be unlearned. You learned to use food to smother your self-doubts, to reward yourself when you felt defeated and you also learned how to use food to keep you feeling safe. There's no gene that determines that.

You may have learned that being fat makes you feel safe when your father and mother divorced when you were eight, or when you were afraid of sex when you were fifteen, when you went away to college and would rather order in pizza than face the cafeteria, or six months after you got married and things weren't going as well as you would've liked, or after you first baby was born and you felt isolated and overwhelmed, or after your children left the house, or a during a separation from your spouse, or when menopause made you feel old, or when your parents died.

Once we stumble upon the "fat as protection" solution, we find it serves many purposes, but here are some tips that can help break free and create your own sense of safety.

Face your anxiety instead of eating to give yourself the illusion of being safe or independent
Stop reinforcing your self-doubts by avoiding something important
Realize that your self-doubts make you more dependent, anxious, and sensitive to failing and embarrassment, and make you look for a hiding place
Start seeing how you eat more to feel safe, but that it doesn't make you safe, it just helps you avoid things and keeps you from recognizing the life decisions you've made that should be reviewed

The more that you follow these tips, the more you will discover that there are better ways to deal with the challenges you're hiding from, other than using fat as a cover-up and excuse.


	Shrink Yourself has helped thousands of people with the 12-week online program. With its tested method, it helps you end cravings, food addiction, overeating, emotional eating and even yo-yo diets. Learn about the program!

14 Comments In the order they were posted.

Irene Thompson said...

Please put your book on CD. I love your book and would like to have a CD of it so I can listen while I walk. Also, is there a companion workbook that you have? Irene

Linda M. Milner said...

I can feel I am staying over weight because I'm hiding from an emotional problem yet to be totally identified but the older I get the worse it is becoming.

Lizzy said...

I can honestly say that this is completely me. This really spoke to me, thank you.

Lori said...

I have to tell you that Shrink Yourself has been a major turning point in my life. I read it this summer, while totally frustrated with no weight loss whatever after working out hard faithfully 5-6x a week and trying to watch my food intake like crazy. Once I accepted that the illusion of powerlessness was my issue something clicked and I got on the road to real, lifelong fitness. Now I've gone from a size 10 jean to a size 4 and I'm more toned than I've been since before the birth of my first child, who is now 19! If you have any doubts concerning this book or method, just give it a try for a couple of weeks and see if you don't feel better!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

Karan said...

This is a big issue for me too. In the past 3 1/2 months I've lost 15 pounds and have hit a wall. I haven't lost any weight for about the past month. I noticed that I started feeling very uncomfortable about my body several weeks ago and began to eat eat again. I felt like someone turned a switch off and I lost all control suddenly. I know the problem is that I don't like attention - it makes me very uncomfortable. I know it goes back to my childhood and there are issues I need to resolve.

Michelle said...

I found that I put on weight to hide from the temptation of the opposite sex. When I lost weight after having our child I found that I was getting more and more attention from men. I was happly married, and wanted to stay that way, but also found I enjoyed the attention. That bothered me, so I took action. I added on about 50 lbs to make myself unapealing. And it worked! My husband still loves me, but I'm sure he would like me to be thinner. I was always a heavy child, and when I lost weight, the attention I received was something I never experienced before. Yes, I was caught up in it. But I'm glad I did something about it before something happened. Now this is something I need to get past. I'm 25 years older and much wiser. I think I can handle the weightloss now. I'm much stronger.

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Renee said...

I can totally identify with this. This is exactly why you lose weight. You are almost there but then something snaps. You become afraid almost of looking "hot" and attracting attention whether from men or women. I'm social if I have to be but I am always the person who likes to sit on the side, stand back and listen or look at what others are doing, body chemistry etc.... Time ago, as a teenager, I never wanted to have problems with the opposite sex so I ate and felt safe and didn't care if no guy wanted to be my boyfriend. Sex creates anxiety for me. I feel uncomfortable. It distanced myself from my husband too. I felt unattractive and not worth "having .s....x." Now here I am saying to myself what am I doing to myself, "it's all that I want is to live life, look good, feel confident, feel comfortable and have a Physical balance." I want to look good and feel good. Yes, I admit, I don't like the attention and greatfully, no one has notice that I just lost over 20 pounds.. ..no one has said a thing because everyone else is SOOO THIN!! So maybe it's not so bad, who cares! Be thin for you.....I can still be a reclusive if I want to. Right? Don't get me wrong not a monk or anything but I'm not a gossip, blabbermouth or a flirt. or chit chatty with everyone who walks by. That makes up 85 of the rest of them. and it's ok... but right now, that's not me and I'm not going to force myself to "pretend" to be that way and actually interested in the dumb things that they are saying. I will let you know if I make it to my goal, but this article really hit home. I want to make it all the way. They hell with them, I'm going to be thin, look good and not worry about the attention. I can still shy away when I want.

Angie said...

I read your comments about "The Safety Layer" and it was like someone opened my heart and my brain--and peered inside. It hurts to read it. I spent five years in therapy--just trying to deal with the reality of what happened to me. It was so draining and so devastating--to finally feel all of that pain, rage and sadness about my childhood. However, now I'm realizing that I've dealt with the past, but I have managed to avoid dealing with the person I am now. I'm realizing that I am totally unprepared to handle life. Before, my denial and emotional stuffing protected me. Therapy broke through that denial, but after the shell has broken, you're left with a very vulnerable person who no longer has her usual bag of tricks to protect herself. It's almost easier to deal with the past and the hurt child I was--than to deal with the present and the broken adult that I am. I engage in all of the behaviors described in this article: I think people who meet me, hate me. I think my friends dislike me and talk behind my back. I feel like I don't belong in my neighborhood, my community, my town--or even in this universe. I feel inferior. I never knew I felt that way, because I was so busy running from my past and being angry at my abusers. Now that I've stopped running--and have shed that denial--I've put on 80 pounds. I've left behind the denial--but look who is under the denial--someone who is very afraid of living an authentic life. Gee, you would think that someone who was brave enough to face their abusive childhood--would be able to move forward. It's just not that easy for me. After the past is processed, you are left with your self. Sometimes that self is shattered. It's so hard to pick up the pieces. It's hard to realize that underneath all of that anger, sadness and pain--is a broken person that just wants to hide and avoid more hurt. I took care of the childhood pain--now I have to learn how to live like an adult. Really live. When I was a child--I was hunkered down like a butterfly in a cocoon. Therapy helped me to realize that I could break out of that cocoon. Now, I'm trying to stretch my wings--but it hurts. I'm unsure of myself. I'm afraid to fly. It's just so much easier to sit and do noting. So, I eat. And just like you said--being fat and being ashamed of your weight has a pay off. How many times have I said, "I can't go to that party because I look terrible in everything," or "I can't get out into the job market because I'm too overweight to interview and who would hire me?" I use my weight to avoid living. I eat to keep the armor on---so I can blame the weight--instead of my underlying insecurities and pain. It's so much easier, isn't it...to rationalize that you're not going to the party or to the job interview because of the weight? It's so much more difficult to face the truth--that I am scared of rejection terrified of the world afraid of realizing that I'm not as good as everyone else. Thank you for this article. It shot an arrow of truth through my soul. It's a lot to face, but at least I now understand better that I have a lot of things to face---instead of a lot of pounds to lose and a lot of miles to jog. Thank you.

Andrew said...

There is some of me YUK in this. The self-doubt of being pushed out of a good job, feeling that my wife thought I wasn't really good at it anyway and she wasn't surprised. Tons more self-doubts along teh way and 60-70 lbs. SUPER-YUK. I am in a better place mentally now, but how do I get rid of the pudge.

Y said...

I was a skinny child because there was no food in the house rejected to play a game by boys who said I was too skinny rejection confirmed, drunk father at the age of 3 wanted me to share some of my popcorn with one of his drunk buddies. I put my hand in the bag pulled out a handful and offered it only to be scolded severely so much that I remember it 57 years later and instantly felt great shame. I got alot of the wrong kind of attention as a child, young adult because I was skinny. My sister was considered 'fat' as was my mother. My sister hated me she was 2 years older and punished me any time she could. In my first pregnancy I gained 80 pounds, loved the abandonment of eating whatever I wanted now had food since no longer with parents who smoked or drank away the food money and it felt freeing. Hated the weight and felt awkward about it..went on lst diet lost it all was a size 2 and loved it. Whenever problems arose between me my husband who drank was never home I ate, so after 3 children continued to yo-yo up and down. When husband had affair I dropped 60 pounds almost overnight, divorced him took the kids to start anew. Faced many scary things because I didn't do drugs or drink food was always the comforter until the binge finished and I had to try to get into my clothes again. Went into therapy in bio-energetics body work started having flash backs of physical sexual abuse and dove into the food again. Had a hard time with men's interest and dove into the food. Memories hard wired into my body...will never go away and torment me at times...food would help...when afraid I wasn't good enough or couldn't measure up to others expectations..dove into the food...tired of the lies to myself about food not hurting me. Glad to have these forums to take the focus away from gorging and onto myself.

Christine said...

Angie - thanks for sharing that! Hmmmm.... Gives me a lot to think about.

Margaret said...

I don't think most parents equip children with the tools for managing emotions. Mine did not model how to be emotionally responsible or how to be emotionally healthy. How on earth can a child figure those things out for themselves? With a narcissistic mother and emotionally volatile father I spent years managing everyone elses emotions around me. No wonder I abused sugar to feel some sense of sweetness in my life! This lead to being a fat child. Learning healthy boundaries was my first step to managing my eating. Currently I am learning self-soothing for self-care instead of eating sweets for gratification. I am not looking to fix my eating problem but learn self-care instead. Losing weight is like opening pandora's box. If you are not equipped to manage what is exposed about yourself, the process can seem daunting...

deidre said...

this is a kill but we gonna get der!

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Shrink Yourself

End Emotional Eating

Tip of the Week: Your Safety Layer

End
Emotional
Eating